On being sculpted...

Today it's two months since I became ill. TWO MONTHS! And what a time it’s been! I’m no nearer, really, to finding out what it is. I’m still getting bouts of acute pain although more often than not now it’s just a bearable niggling. Although this still makes me quite tired, I’m able to do a lot more. Praise the Lord!
It’s been a rollercoaster not only physically – I’m better, no I’m not, I’m better, no I’m not! – but emotionally and spiritually too.
There have been times where I’ve been content. There have been time when I’ve surprised myself at how content I’ve been! (But that’s just an answer to prayer!) But there have been, unfortunately more often, times of feeling quite indifferent. There were a few days where I have felt lower than I think I ever have in my life. I’m not sure if it was a result of the medication, but it was dark. But God has been with me through it all.
On Friday I had an ultrasound scan. It showed nothing of concern, which is obviously great. But what a strange mix of emotions I felt. I could have cried on the radiographer when he told me, because as kind as his words were and as grateful as I was to receive them, it sent me back to square one.
But oh, God’s mercy! His incomprehensible love for me that no matter how much I shun His blessings or miss His small, sometimes subtle, sometimes not, constant reminders that He’s with me – He continues to chisel away at my cold, stony heart with His tool of grace; moulding, shaping, sculpting and refining me. In the past couple of days He’s been giving me some of those subtle, and not-so-subtle, reminders that He’s with me and in control!

As I sat in the waiting room for my scan on Friday, the radiographer started whistling “He’s got the whole world in His hands”!
On Friday evening I got an email from Abi, who's out in Bolivia with Tearfund. It reminded me of the suffering she’s seeing where she is. As I replied, searching for words to comfort and encourage her, I spoke as much to myself as I told her that God is with her and in control.
As I continued to check my emails, I was sent this verse – “Why are you downcast, oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God.” (Psalm 42:5).

These were, I think, the subtle, prodding reminders that He’s with me. Then came church on Sunday, where my Heavenly Father lovingly hit the message home!
Basil spoke on John 14:12-14. And I was reminded, by God’s grace, of something I know but have failed to make my primary focus. The notes will be available soon!

For much of the past two months I just haven’t felt like me. That’s been strange. But something else I realised again today is that I place too much value in my reputation. I place too much value in my ability to run around ‘doing’ all the time. There’s nothing wrong with it, and it’s part of my personality. But my liveliness and all else that I see as inherently ‘me’ is a gift from God, and I must be careful not to place the gift on a higher footing than the Giver. I must remember, always, that my value is not in my personality or my gifts or ANYTHING else – my value is solely found in the TRUTH that I am a child of God! (Read 1 John 3:1!) And THAT is the highest value I could ever have. Why would I want anything else? Praise the Lord!

PRAISE GOD for the past two months, and even if this pain (whatever the cause!) continues, I will continue to praise Him because He is sovereign. I will praise him because of all that He has, and is, by His mercy, teaching me through it. I almost don’t want it to go now! (Almost…!) I treasure this time because I am brought closer to, and learn more of, my loving Father. What a blessing!
I may get better, I may not. Whatever happens, it’s for His glory, and I PRAISE Him for this time!

AND I’M SAVED!!!!

So WHAT matter is a little physical discomfort? None, I tell you, NONE!