Much to say, nothing to blog

It seems that whenever I think of something to blog these days I'm either:
a. in bed trying to sleep
b. walking/on a train somewhere, and thus nowhere near a computer
c. too tired

It also appears that as well as I compose the prose (I nicked that phrase from Ed) in my head, I forget it by the time I'm sat in front of my computer.

But hey.

If I could remember the prose I composed in my head over the last week or so I'd write about the talk on worship at CU last week, and how every aspect of our lives is (or most definitely should be) worship to God (not just the singing...); or I'd talk about how blessed I am with parents who provide for me, know me and love me even when I don't speak to them or don't involve them; or I'd talk about how overwhelmed I've been by the support of friends this month; or the joy of team days, sharing thoughts about God and life and praying together with people I love and respect; then there's the fact that God is real and that means my life has meaning, even when it doesn't always feel like it or I don't know what I'm doing; there's also the way God has provided for me financially this month in ways I never dreamed; there's the study I've been doing; and of course I'd blog about how much passion I've got for the CU here and how excited I am at seeing students get excited about the gospel; linked to that there's the events that have been put on and looking forward to mission week.

Blogworthy topics all of the above. Rather different, but with a common theme. Yup, you guessed it, God.

I just don't have the words, because I just cannot get my head around grace (in some ways I pray I never do, because I don't want to become complacent).

You see, when you ponder the meaning of life as much as I seem to have done the past month or so, you realise that there's just nothing but God, there's nothing without Him. You realise that as tough as life gets sometimes, as many disappointments as there are, as much as you can't see where you're going, as hard as it is to slog on, as much as God may seem distant - you cannot get away from the fact that God exists. And that's a Good Thing - because the fact that He exists means there's a silver lining to the tough times, the disappointments, the blindness, the tiredness, and the feeling of distance - the silver lining is simply that He IS.

Because He is, I know that all of those things are temporary. Because He is, I can see the good stuff too - from the glistening sun in a clear blue sky on a crisp autumn (/winter!) day; to the cheque that comes in the post on exactly the right day, nay, at exactly the right hour; to the text/phonecall of a friend who knows exactly what to say; to the doctor who just wants to listen and help; to the smile on the face of a student who is immensely, genuinely excited at grace...

And all these things mean that there is a God who loves, cares, protects, refines. He's not just any God, He IS God. He is my God, He's my father, He's my dad. He has saved me from the cloud and set my focus on the silver lining. He has dealt with death. And He's done all that when I ignore Him and shun Him and try to make my own meaning; when I complain that the lining is silver, not gold.

I don't know what I'm talking about anymore really except that I know God is infinitely good, infinitely amazing and infinitely powerful and I know that He infinitely loves me. I know this, and I hold on to it and I long to see the result of it portrayed more in my life - not just in my actions and the things people see, but in my thoughts.

Oh, that I would wake each morning singing Amazing Grace - oh that grace would be my driving force, my strength, my song, my words, right from the start of each day. Oh that I would emanate God wherever I go. Oh that I would ask God to work that in me. And oh that I would let Him.

Oh that I would stop rambling, stop making things so complicated, and just enjoy God. Because when you strip it all down, He's there, He's all there is.