Mind. Blown. Wow.

Wrote this last night just before I went to bed...

I just don't get it.

Like, really, 100% just do not get it. I have just completed my education and have a degree and yet that doesn't help me one jot. My brain just wants to shut down because it cannot at all handle what just happened..

So on a day when I'm fighting with my sin and I'm fighting with this cloud of apathy that has been hanging over me and I'm fighting to grasp hold of God and I'm straining towards Him and I'm longing for Him to give me the faith to trust Him completely and I think I'm starting to once again get a handle on grace..I'd lost the little handle I did have over the past couple days...He goes and says “uh-uh Ceryn, you don't know the half of it”.

And he surprises me again. I'm not complaining. I like surprises. (Nice ones.) And this was a nice one.

Maybe I should tell you what I'm talking about. Basically, a couple in church handed mam a card at the church prayer meeting tonight (which I missed, ahem) with a cheque in it for Relay – a very generous cheque. Much like my degree result I had to keep checking it then handing it to mam, taking it back, handing it to dad, taking it back...

I do not understand their generosity, let alone God's grace and provision.

And is it any coincidence that I open this card just as mam is telling me that great uncle Clive is very ill and her and dad have had to go up there tonight and call the doctor? Or is it any coincidence that this has happened on a day when I'm fighting to trust God over my auntie's health, my brothers' futures, my health, my youngest brother's dismissal of God, difficulties in church, Abi's health, mam's health, finances for Relay, my parents finances – after four years of uni can they afford to support me through another year? Should I really be doing Relay, is this really what God wants me to do? Can I do it?

All these things have been swirling round in my head all day and I've been fighting to let God take them. I think they've been floating round in my head for a while, I just haven't let them come to the surface, which means I haven't laid them at Jesus' feet. Today I wanted to do that but was finding it hard.

And then I had to ask mam and dad if I could borrow the money for the deposit on my house, coz really need to pay it but haven't got the money, and really really didn't want to ask them but it really needs to be paid this week...so I ask, and they oblige, but it leaves me feeling awful.

Coincidence that while all this is messing with my brain I get a gift like that? I think not.

When I opened that card, I opened my hands and let everything fall. The God who can provide for me in that way at the start of the year will continue to provide for me throughout the year. The God who will continue to provide for me throughout the year will take care of everything and everyone else I've just listed. Dad's reaction? “I knew I should have said I wouldn't lend you the money.”

He said that coz deep down He knew God would provide. (Turns out in fact that he hadn't transferred the money into my account yet.)

But here's the part I don't get – God provides for me - me, a sinner. Me, someone who has turned her back on God – this amazing God. Me – a person who too readily doubts God's ability, too easily forgets His faithfulness and too slowly trusts Him.

I just do not get it.

But I cry out thankyou Father, hallelujah Jesus, and change me, Holy Spirit. Fill me anew, use me, take my burdens so that I am free to serve you in whatever way you choose. Holy and amazing God, I am yours.

And now I will lie down and sleep in peace. Wow.