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Sunday, July 09, 2006

Lesson 4: Not because of who I am

Introduction to the lessons
Lesson 1
Lesson 2
Lesson 3

The astonishing thing I found about being ill was how much it affected every single aspect of me. It wasn't just that I was physically ill. I found myself even analysing who I was. I thought I'd established that! But as fragile as I felt physically, I felt that fragile in every aspect – my personality, my emotions, my self-confidence...everything.

I love being around people, I love chatting, and I've never found it a problem to get up in front of a big group of people and talk, or chat in smaller groups. But during the time I was ill – and even still now to a certain extent – I couldn't just chat to people.

I saw Kat pretty much every day I was ill so things with her were fine, and Issy and Becky. If people came to visit me it was a little easier because I felt secure in my room. But take me out of that environment and even with really good friends, who I missed and desperately wanted to talk to, I felt like I wanted to cry and/or run away! I couldn't even talk to people without really praying before, and during, the conversation. I can't explain why I found it so hard, but it was bizarre.

But it reminded me – perhaps showed me fully for the first time – that nothing in this life is about me. It's all entirely about God. My security is in Him alone, not in any way shape or form in anything else.

I don't think I'd ever realised that so fully before. When you realise that you can rely on nothing at all about yourself, you fully realise your need to rely on God totally. Even things that I hadn't realised before that I might place my confidence in – I didn't realise I placed my confidence there – even just a little bit – until I couldn't. Until it let me down.

God will never let me down!


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