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Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Oh for a closer walk with God

Last night I had a brief conversation with my housemate, Lucy, about fasting and prayer. She was talking about a talk she'd heard at church on Sunday about fasting not having to mean food - why don't we fast watching TV for example? I suggested to her she should fast running round being so busy all the time. Wasn't until I was walking to housegroup later that night that I realised the irony of me saying that to her...

Well, maybe it's not such an ironic statement anymore as I'm unable to be as busy as I'd like to be. But that set me thinking - now, I'm no expert on fasting whatsoever. But surely the point is to give up something important in order to spend time with and focus on God who is, after all, infinitely more important. It occurred to me that I seem to have been forced into this position over the last x number of months...but I'm certainly not rejoicing in it! I'm certainly not of the attitude that this allows me to develop my walk with God. At least, not as much as I should be.

The journey has been a somewhat rough, uneven one. At first (apart form the pain) I was rather happy to take some time out. But as time has gone on, and on, with doctors still not knowing what's wrong, well, it's gotten somewhat harder. The days where I struggle to trust God, where I struggle for peace, where I struggle to delight in God are becoming more than the days where I do.

Last night as I was walking to housegroup I started to use the opportunity (as I often do when on trains/walking on my own) to text/ring people I wanted to get in touch with. But then that conversation with Lucy popped back into my head. How about I give up texting, just for this next half hour walk, and pray?

I was suprised at how hard it was! But as I prayed it occurred to me that I want to say, with Paul, that I rejoice in my sufferings, in my weaknesses. But as much as I want that, I'm holding back from it, and in the process I'm hardening my heart to God and His goodness.

At the root of it, I guess, is my pride. It's incredibly hard for me to pray or spend time with God because I'm so tired all the time...I keep trying to find the strength, but eventually it just gets too hard and I stop trying.

But God reminded me (again) last night that in NO PART is this about me. I can't even muscle up the strength to spend time with Him in prayer. It ALL has to come from HIM. As does the power to rejoice in my weaknesses.

I have to come to a point where I recognise, really recognise, that it's ok to be weak...but I think, unfortunately, that's a lesson I'm gonna have to go on re-learning. I wish I could learn it once for all.

And then in housegroup we looked at Philippians 1:27-2:11. We saw Jesus' humility.

The bottom line is, it's hard, BUT God alone is worthy. And one thing that has really stuck with me over the past few months is that without God I have nothing. So I'd better start looking to Him for the strength and desire to live for Him, hadn't I; I'd better start looking to Him in the dark times instead of pushing Him away; I'd better start looking to Him for peace, coz He's the only place I'll find it.


Blogger Nathan said...

you gave up texting for a whole 30 minutes!?

1:02 PM  

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