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Sunday, December 04, 2005

An attempt to put my mixed up thoughts into some coherent form...


Why am I so

(I could go on, of course...)

I can attempt to rationalise it. I can say it's coz I'm human and sinful. And it is. And I know that this side of eternity I'll never be perfect and I'm bound to mess up pretty much no matter how hard I try.

But I'm tired of using that as an excuse. I'm rubbish.

And WHY?

Why does God
accept me
love me
comfort me
provide for me
have patience with me...

(I could most certainly go on....)

I can attempt to rationalise it. I can talk about His outrageous grace, His immense Love. And it's true. And yet I know that, this side of eternity, I'll never fully comprehend it...

God is infinitely Good. Hallelujah.

The past week has been hard. I've been tired. Physically, mentally, and most definitely emotionally. There have been plenty of tears. (I'm saying this not coz I want sympathy but coz I want to share with you something of what God's taught me, and to see that you need to have at least a glimpse of how awful I've felt...!)

The thing is, I know there's more to come! The hurt isn't over, there are hurdles to jump, there are bridges to cross and there are scary, windy, misty roads to travel...

But I know it's for the best. I know that God is working in me and that no matter how painful it is to have Him chipping off edges and refining me, I know that He wouldn't be bringing me through it unless He knew I needed it, could get through it, and unless he was carrying me. And He knows the way..

James 1:2-4: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because the testing of your faith develops perseverence. Perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."


That's hard....(bit of an understatement!)

My relationship with God over the past week has been rubbish (on my side, of course). I've been crying out to Him....but haven't really been listening. Begging for peace....but not really accepting. I've not been willing to really let go, to really surrender to Him, to give Him my heart and all that is within, to lay it all down for the sake of my King. I've partially done so.

But partially just isn't enough.

And yet He's held me. He's wrapped me in His arms and He's waited until I'm ready. Until I'm ready to let Him in, totally, utterly.

Again - why?!

The answer, I've been wonderfully reminded, is (at least in part), GRACE.

I stand in grace!!! There is no condemnation! Nothing can separate me from God's love!

So how has there been such a turn around in how I feel in a matter of days? How, on Wednesday, did I feel completely broken with no hope of being fixed and now I can sit writing about how wonderful God is?

Well, prayers have been answered. I've had the most wonderful support from friends. And God is Good.

This morning I felt decidedly better from the moment I awoke. And through the day/evening God has been gently, ever so gently, calling me to spend time just in worship to Him. Never mind my requests, never mind my questions, never mind my worries/concerns/doubts/fears. He's had all that the past couple days. What He wanted from me today (and deserves now and forever) was just my praise.

And so just now I stopped. I finally stopped trying to rationalise things in my own mind, to work solutions out on my own, to get by without Him (why oh WHY do I try?!) and I just sat in God's presence. I bowed down, I fell on my knees worshipping Him. Blessed be His Name...

Isn't it strange, isn't it utterly wonderful, that when you're in God's presence and giving Him praise, that nothing else matters.

I can put on a brave face, I can pretend to the world that I'm fine whilst inside I'm screaming. But I can't pretend to God. He knows me COMPLETELY.

And I'm so glad.

Like I said, I know there's more to come. I know that the turmoil I've been in isn't completely over. But it's ok. I love God and I want to be obedient to Him. (Joshua 22:5)

God arms me with strength and I stand completely in Him. It is, after all, the best place to be. He doesn't change.

"From this evening to all eternity, Thy will, not mine, be done.
Consume and rule and reign in me.
I yield up myself without reserve.
And I promise, with Thy help and power,
rather to give up the last drop of my blood,
than knowingly or willingly be untrue or disobedient to Thee."

God astounds me.

Let's continue to live in grace, looking forward to that day when we we will start the rest of eternity with Him.

And let's keep reminding each other that there is ALWAYS something to praise God for.

"My God is so vastly wonderful, so utterly and completely delightful, that He can, without anything other than Himself, meet and overflow the deepest demands of our total nature."
(A.W. Tozer - 'The Pursuit of God')



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