life, times, amblings and ramblings

I'll probably regret posting this...

2009-06-20T19:43:00.000-07:00

Inspired by many things, this post. Sparked into action partly by this post:

http://thebluefish.org/2009/04/what-would-you-teach-young-christian.html

you need to read that first!

beware some brutal honesty...i've pondered for a long time whether to post this. I want to do it in a spirit of contributing to discussion without fanning flames of indignation or pain or annoyance or anything else, so please take it as such!

----

Short of God Himself, I would say there a few things less praise-inducing (or attractive!) to a Christian girl than the man Bish asks if we could see in the post linked to above.

(having written that, I've decided it's not true. But the point of emphasis still stands – we really, really want to see Christian men like that!)

I'm tired of seeing young girls, friends (and myself) worn out in disappointment with Christian men who are not what is described. I'm tired of arguing against the temptation to turn to non-Christian men, because in actual fact they seem more manly (and, yes, caring...) most of the time.

I'm tired of young girls, women, friends, (myself) succumbing to the temptation to lead and control the godly men we know, instead of encouraging them in responsibility. I'm tired of people (especially men!) thinking I want to stay single simply because I get on with life and am not whiling away my days waiting for/desperately seeking out prince charming.

I'm tired of sin.

I'm longing to see Christians of the male gender be MEN not boys. I'm longing that they would love God with all their hearts and follow His Word, kneeling at the foot of the cross, all their days. I'm longing that should they choose to stay single for the sake of the gospel, that they would remain admirable and encouraging to the women around them.

I'm longing that should they choose to marry for the sake of the gospel, they would seek out their wife, under God's Headship and leading, (not making it obvious to all and sundry that they're desperate for a wife – that's not gonna make any girl 'chosen' feel special or loved or secure) and love her as Christ loves the Church.

I'm longing that Christians of the female gender would be women, not girls. That they would lean on their Father daily and allow His Holy Spirit to shatter their insecurities and need for control in all areas of relationships. That they would love the Lord their God with all their heart, soul, mind and strength...and allow Him to love them back with an even stronger, even more all-encompassing love. That they would use their single days for the sake of the gospel and the Church, not worrying whether these days will ever end but concerned only with Christ and His Kingdom. That if those single days never end they would know contentment and joy in God our Saviour. That if they find themselves in a relationship, they would work at it and see it not as a sense of security or identity but as a blessing and would seek to love and encourage the man God has given them to be a more godly man in word, thought and deed.

I long that the rest of the Church would stop silly match making games and careless talk about "maybe she likes him..." etc. That there would be proper, explicit teaching about relationships in the church - about how they are not our security, about how they can be great, but also hard work, about boundaries and godly choices, about divorce, about the roles of men and women in relationships and about how those who are single within the church can seek to fulfil those roles to the extent that they are brothers and sisters.

I long for relationships and marriage to be neither a topic addressed with cynicism nor as a state of being to be desired above all else in this life. I long for single parents (made such by death or divorce) to be supported in the church and made to feel at home and loved – not as though they are the odd ones out or (in the case of divorce) 'the ones who got it wrong...'

I want to see greater compassion and support for married couples from singles - instead of resentment. I want to see greater compassion and support for singles from those who are married - instead of incredibly unhelpful comments about how hard relationships are (ie you're 'lucky' being single) and/or how God is in control and/or "you should find yourself a husband/wife" and/or "oh you're 25 now...better hurry"

I want this in myself, I want this for my friends, I want this for the Church...I want this for God's glory. I want to stop feeling like I'm 'past it' in the relationships stakes or that there are no godly Christian men out there who I can respect enough to submit to and love and trust. I want to stop being cynical about marriage because of all the bad experiences I've seen my (Christian and non-) family and friends go through.

I want to get married. I want to have kids. There – I said it! But I refuse to believe that that is my aim in life, no matter what the world and the church and my family and friends may think/want/tell me. I will pray for that blessing, but I will not pine away my days by seeking it or making it an idol or wondering if every new Christian guy I meet could be 'the one'.

And I want to marry a man who understands that, who doesn't want me to make him or our relationship an idol. I want Christian guys to get this – that there are so many girls like me longing for a godly man to love them and care for them, even though it doesn't probably look like that at face value because, hey, we're getting on with life. We want the guys to dig a little deeper, to get to know us, to prove themselves worthy of our trust by showing an interest beyond what we show the rest of the world. Not because we're playing games, but because we've been hurt, because we're scared, because we don't want to mope, and because we're fighting with everything in us to put Jesus first, not marriage.

I want to know what it is, as a Christian girl, that I need to 'get' about guys!

I want to be a woman of God who cherishes Him first and foremost, who pursues righteousness, who seeks to further His kingdom...and who enjoys godly friendships with godly guys without any agenda or disappointment.

I want a lot...and yet not much. I want Jesus - and Jesus can do it all.

thoughts

2009-01-14T14:47:00.000-08:00

s'up

it's been a while, and there have been comments on this, so it turns out people do read this rambling monologue after all.

weird, huh.

i can't write anything coherent and to be honest i'd all but forgotten about this blog malarky. But some current thoughts:

i like cold, fresh weather. love it, in fact.

where's the balance between not being sucked into a Christian bubble, and building and encouraging and supporting the Church?

I LOVE Church. Capitol C and not. Worldwide and local. Love it.

life is weird. innit though.

i forget stuff so easily.

i like living in cardiff.

i need to be more responsible about and take more seriously the need to remind myself of gospel truths. every day. every hour, matter of fact.

people need to be loved.

Mornings are proper hard. Like, really.

i need to be more gracious.

i hate money.

Jesus saves. Actually, really, properly does.

I am blessed. Actually, really, properly blessed.

i need to honour God in my job. And work out with Him exactly what that means.

i like learning Welsh. Dwi'n hoffi dysgu Cymraeg.

nos da.

Camp Talk 4

2008-09-01T12:31:00.000-07:00

Colin Tamplin. You know the drill.

"I can't live up to what the Bible says about sex and relationships".
Genesis 39.

It appears there are no rules in society concerning sex and relationships. But there are. For example: no family, always consensual, and always safe.

Outside of that, pretty much anything goes. One night stands, homosexual sex, any number of partners...

There's an increasing 'normalising' of these things in society. So there's an enormous gap between that and what the Bible says. it agrees with the fundamentals of society's rules, but it goes further - only in marriage, and only between men and women. That sounds more than strange in today's society.

The Bible says a lot of good things about sex in marriage, but sets marriage as the boundary.

Sex is fun! There wouldn't be a big deal about it if it wasn't. There's a lot of pressure. But not even this is something worth compromising our faith over. And it is possible to live in our society whilst following Biblical sexual principles.

Genesis 39 - a very similar/familiar/contemporary story

1. Our situation isn't any different
Joseph was literally a stranger and alien in Egyptian society. The temptation he faced was as strong as anything we could ever face. And yet he remained pure.

2. Our God has not changed.
How have previous Christians faced these tempations and resisted?
"The Lord was with Joseph". " The Lord...." etc etc. Get the point?!

It isn't superhero Joseph, God was with him. Do you dare to say "God was with Joseph but not with me"? That's as close to blasphemy as you'll get.

God has promised to be with every believer. If you're saying you can't do it, either you're saying it all depends on you or you're saying God isn't the same support to you as to others.

However, there were also things Joseph had to do. And while God is always the hero, there are heroic things we need to do.
a. Practical - be on your guard and be sensible!
b. Relational
c. Spiritual

3. The rewards for faithfulness are the same
In the short term, Joseph was in the pit. But we're not in the business of short terms.

Camp Talk 3

2008-09-01T12:21:00.000-07:00

Colin Tamplin. Spot any herecy? Tell me, but don't blame him!

"I'm afraid I'm going to lose my friends."
1 Peter (yep, all of it!) Focus on 1 Peter 1:1-9

Deep down, what most of us want more than anything else in the world is to fit in. If we're committed to Jesus then immediately a danger eneters our lives - we won't be able to fit in as well as we did.

There are lots of reasons why we may struggle with Christianity. Yesterday we looked at intellectual reasons. Now we're looking at personal/social/emotional reasons. And there's a whole book of the Bible tackling the theme of what you do when you don't fit in.

1:1 - "exiles"/ "strangers". 1:17 - "exile". 2:11 - "exiles". Get the picture?! These people were living in their own community. And yet Peter calls them exiles. If you don't fit in you still have to live "normal lives". How do we deal with how hard it is to not fit in?

1. Don't have unnecessary fear. (2:11-12)
It is possible to live a consistent Christian life and yet live a 'normal' life. Matthew 5:16

2. Don't exaggerate the fear (1:6, 5:10)
"A little while"! It can and will happen that we will be left out and isolated and lonely etc. That is when we must not let fear stop us in our tracks. It's only for a short time.

3. Don't be defeated:
a. You are extremely privileged (1:1 "elect")
The Bible never goes into election in a controversial way, but in a way that's meant to make us feel good!
b. Your old life isn't worth returning to (1:18).
"Futile". There's no point living an empty life. 4:3-5. The old life seems attractive under pressure of loneliness. But it is futile.
c. A great price has been paid for you (1:17-19)
Redemption. We can never live a life worthy of Christ's sacrifice. But we can live a life compatible with it.
d. You are part of a great community (2:4, 4:12-13)
At that moment you're isolated, you're being like Jesus. 5:8-9. You belong to God, identify with Jesus and identify with the Church throughout the world.
e. This does not go on forever.
Don't abandon your faith for people who will soon be out of your life. How many people in their twenties, thirties, are still friends with people they were in school with?
f. The suffering will be worth it. 1:6-7.

Camp Talk 2

2008-09-01T12:11:00.000-07:00

Colin Tamplin. Again, any herecies are my fault not his.

Acts 17:16-34. "I'm not sure it Christianity is true".

Is it worth investing my life in something when there seem to be so many questions about it?

DOUBT - is a very, very normal part of the Christian life and experience. The questions trouble us. Especially when we don't have the answers! Psalms - so many of them are of lament, complaint, doubt. More than praise.

Doubt is also important. You probably won't make any significant spiritual progress until you're prepared to risk doubt. It's like learning to walk! When you take a step, there's a wobble as you're off balance, until your foot comes down on something solid. But without lifting your foot in the first place, without the wobble, you won't go anywhere.

God can take the weight of our questions. But it's important that we do it with others. The church.

Once a year, take a big question to work through. Tell your minister/a good Christian friend. And then wrestle with that question.

Doubt is not just for Christians. Everyone has the same questions, regardless of their religion. (or not). Atheists may say they're avoiding religious questions - rubbish! There's no safe place to hide from the tough questions.

Doubt can be just an excuse. We believe or disbelieve for a whole lot of reasons - of which the mind is just one. Doubt or intellectual struggles may be genuine - but is it really?

Paul was one of the world's really great thinkers. Not even he realised how spiritually, morally and intellectually corrupt Athens was.

From Paul's talk in the Areopagus we can realise 3 things that all answers to difficult questions stand on:
1. A book that can be trusted.
Paul doesn't quote the Bible but everything he says is based on it. Think about how he knows what he says about God in this passage.

2. A person who is absolutely unique.
You can't just add Jesus to a list of other gods. He is the only God. So when you're struggling, the key thing to do is get your mind back to Jesus. Whatever else I don't understand, here is a man who is real and true and genuine.

3. An event that changed everything.
Jesus cannot be the same as the gods of other religions. He died and He rose again.

Camp Talk 1

2008-09-01T12:01:00.000-07:00

Colin Tamplin. Please ascribe any herecies to me and my poor note-taking, not to Colin.

Theme for the week: Galatians 5:7: "You were running well. Who hindered you from obeying the truth?"

We want to look at this not just in a "Who's stopping you altogether" way, but also in a "Who'se stopping you running REALLY well" way.

1 Timothy 4:6-10

If you put these things before the brothers, you will be a good servant of Christ Jesus, being trained in the words of the faith and of the good doctrine that you have followed. Have nothing to do with irreverent, silly myths. Rather train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance. For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God,who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe.

Timothy is in Ephesus as Paul's assistant to 'sort out' the church. In this section Paul is encouraging Timothy in what he should teach and how he should be.

'being trained'. Same word as we get 'gymnasium' from. It's good to stay in good physical shape - but spiritual is better.

'race' - an image which is common in the Bible. Relating to ancient games - everyone at Paul and Timothy's time would have been familiar with the image of a race.

1 Timothy 3 - qualifications for elders. All seem very 'uninteresting'! None of them, except teaching, can only be applied to leaders - need to be applied to any Christian. So what Paul says to Timothy, he would say to any Christian.

1. DIET (4:6)
What you teach shows what you've digested. Athletes need a very good diet. Get fed right. You can only get away with a bad diet for a certain amount of time.

2. FOCUS (4:7-8)
Athletes get to a podium because that's all they think about for 4 years. That's not always a healthy thought - single mindedness. But for the Christian it's important. One single thought - to honour God and serve Him and get the prize. That doesn't mean you become a pastor or missionary. It means whatever you do, do it all to the glory of God.

3. TRAINING (4:7b-9)
Diet and focus alone will not be enough. Training is difficult but necessary. Train with a goal in view. Are you living for the prize of this life or the life to come? We will be much longer 'dead' than alive...

4. MOTIVATION (4:9-10).
God and the gospel!

Back I went...

2008-09-01T11:48:00.000-07:00

This week I did something I had wondered whether I'd ever do again.

I returned to an EMW camp as an officer. I have been a participant in EMW (Evangelical Movement of Wales) camps, either as a camper or a kitchen helper or an officer since the age of 10. That's a long time. So a three year break shouldn't have seemed like such a big deal, but it felt like it! For many personal reasons.

But, thanks to a lot of nagging from Dan, the leader (I think more because he was desperate than because he wanted me!), and a bit more of a push from God I went back. Even mid-way through the week I was still feeling very unsure about whether it was the right thing to do.

But now I'm back home, man do I realise how much I have missed it and just how encouraged and challenged I am as a result of that week. And just how much more I want to live my life serving Christ and His Kingdom.

To spend a week with 60+ 14-18 year olds and a team of very different leaders, 90% of whom I'd never met, didn't exactly seem like my idea of fun. Add to that lying on the floor, not very much sleep, a lot of exhausting activities and the need to be giving, giving, giving all the time, not to mention no time alone for a week - and they would be my reasons for not going back!

How selfish I am. I am suitably rebuked.

The team were lush, each of them encouraging in their own God-given way, and it's always exciting meeting new people who are Christians - there's an instant bond.

The campers were equally lush. A lot of fun to spend the week with. And more importantly, they encouraged me more than I can put into words. Anyone who stands up for Christ and demonstrates a desire to grow in Him and see their friends converted spurs me on. But when a teenager who has a whole lot of temptations to deal with and various other things going on in life does the same, I'm simply bowled over.

Yes it was camp. Yes it was a bit of an unrealistic bubble of a week. But I really believe they meant their words and prayers and actions. And am praying that they grow and grow, each one of them who knows Christ. And for those who don't - praising the Lord that they weren't at that camp by accident, that He drew them, and praying He would continue drawing them towards Himself.

What a joy it is to be part of God's Kingdom and to serve Him in it!

In other news

2008-08-19T15:07:00.001-07:00

It's August (would you believe)...which means Facebook has been showing me a lot of wedding pictures lately.

Most of them have been of the weddings of people who aren't Christians. One I looked at tonight really struck me.

It looked amazing. I mean, really. Everything just looked perfect and everyone looked beautiful and the cake was amazing and the venue was stunning and the flowers were beautiful and the HUGE wedding party were dressed to the nines in what looked like designer wedding gear.

It looked expensive. Like, really expensive!

And that, to be fair, was what impressed me, wasn't it.

And then there's the obligatory pictures of everyone a little worse for wear in the evening and suddenly the flowers are droopy, the clothes shabby, cake dismantled, the people decidedly less beautiful and the venue just doesn't look like anything much in the dark.

Tomorrow I'm going to a wedding of some Christian friends. And when they get married, it will be beautiful.

They will look wonderful, the wedding party will be dressed to the nines and the flowers will make all the women go "ahhh". The food will be lovely and the venue is, to be fair, fantastic.

But that is not what will impress me tomorrow.

What will impress me tomorrow is the memory that these two people trust their lives to God's leading, and will do the same with their marriage. What will impress me tomorrow is the reminder of Christ and the Church. What will be impressed upon me tomorrow, is a glorious picture of heaven.

And unlike the photos I saw on FB earlier, The Wedding Feast will not fade. The flowers will not wilt and the clothes will not loosen and the food will remain plentiful and the people will be beautiful and the venue...well. It will not suddenly all become meaningless and empty. It will be complete. We will be complete.

We will stand before Jesus. And it won't be about money or show or having a good time. It will be about Him.

The youth of today

2008-08-19T14:40:00.000-07:00

I had the (some may say 'dubious') privilege of leading four teenagers in Sunday school type activities on Sunday morning (I say 'Sunday school type' because they're clearly too old for Sunday school proper. Discuss?)

Anyway. I hadn't really prepared anything solid. Naughty. But the main point being that I'm hopefully soon to be setting up some youth type activity on a Sunday evening for the youth in our church. So I wanted to spend the time discussing how they'd like it to go. What they wanted to discuss. It may only be 7 years since I was officially a teenager (note the use of the word 'officially') - but 7 years is a long time. And issues have changed. Maybe the fundamental questions haven't, but the issues have.

Anyway. We started chatting just to kick off - general chit chat (which they're surprisingly good at, for teenagers). 3 boys and a girl. Not the best dynamic! Surprisingly quickly (is anything really that surprising with the Lord?) we got onto the topic of what a Christian is. Answers ranged not that far from "Someone who gets dunked" to "someone who goes to church" to "someone who doesn't go to church because they believe in God anyway so they don't need to go to church".

From that, I wrote in big red letters on a white board the question "Why are you here?" Risky.

Answers ranged from the unexpected "to grow spiritually" to the expected "cause my parents make me come". (NB: What does that say about my expectations?)

Despite the repetetive refrain of "I'm bored and I want to go home" which I heard throughout the session, we actually had some glimpses of good discussion. I asked them what questions they'd like answered...I was quite scared about the response as soon as the question left my lips! And there were some daft ones to be fair. I'm sorry to stereotype, but...teenage boys! But amongst the typical teenage boy questions and comments were the following:

Questions they asked:
1. What does the Bible say about dinosaurs?
2. Why are there wars?
3. Why are people starving?
4. What is God's opinion on homosexuality?
5. What language did people speak at the beginning of the world and why do people speak different languages now?
6. Did God make aliens?
7. Do politicians always lie?
8. Why do we have a Pope?
9. Is church just for old people?
10. What age do you stop being innocent and start to take responsibility for your own actions?
11. Why is God even relevant to me?
12. What is Revelation about?
13. What happens to babies when they die?

Statements they made:
"To be honest, I don't care about stuff like truth. I'm 15. All I care about is girls."

"I don't think we're ready for church. We need more life experience. Everything's done for us right now. If we had harder lives, like having to pay bills, then we'd need to believe in God and we'd need to come to church."

"You know something's good if you like it"

Stuff they'd like to do on a Sunday morning:
sleep
extreme ironing
read the Street Bible
not have people come down too heavy
something fun
learn about the Bible while having fun
more discussion
less discussion
illustrations
re-enact Bible stories
re-write Psalms in their speak!
wordsearches

What happened at the end:
I had the opportunity to explain (or attempt to) to one of the guys why "all have sinned"...why all are guilty before God...how Jesus dealt with that on the cross...why He could...what that means...and confront him with a choice. I pray he thought about that after church as seriously as he seemed to be when I was explaining it. And that God redeems my futile attempt and insufficient words.

The whole morning was a quite scary prospect. The pressure to 'be cool' and fit in and be liked was horrendous throughout. Several times I was screaming to myself, and God, "Get me out of here - make the service finish quicker!" (I knew dad was preaching so there was no chance of that...and anyway I'm normally screaming the opposite when I'm sat in church!)

But by the Lord's grace I do really feel we got somewhere. I hope I made them think...if I did it could have some interesting repurcussions!

Please pray with me as I try and tackle some of those questions and statements over the next months. I'm scared. Excited. Scared. Excited.

Lacking nothing

2008-06-14T01:51:00.000-07:00

I have just spent the most glorious hour immersed in God's Word, and I'm excited, and I'd like to share it!

Just four verses mind you. FOUR! Out of the whole Bible, just four verses have gripped me and excited me - what does that say about how much more there is to discover in the whole of the rest of the Bible? An exciting thought in itself, no?

So anyway, I've decided to start studying the book of James. I read it through this morning and thought well, that there is a mine packed full to bursting with pure gems of wisdom on how to live an authentic Christian life. I also remembered why I've been putting off reading this book - it's scarily challenging! But I figure that's a good thing and actually pretty much what I need.

So.

This is what I focused my attention on this morning:

"James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ,

To the twelve tribes in the Dispersion:

Greetings.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

(James 1:1-4)

Firstly, James refers to himself as a servant of God. What does that mean? I decided to hold that thought, slightly amused by the fact that he just says "Greetings". Simple, to the point. I love Paul's lengthy openings to his letters, but I love this too...straight to the point!

Anyway, James clearly has a point to get across. Oh and he's written this to the twelve tribes in the Dispersion (NIV says "scattered across the nations" - maybe a little more helpful in understanding what that means). That thought held too. (I'm at full capacity now)

What's the first point he makes then? About trials. I wonder, does this suggest that the people James is writing to are suffering? Also, is it a generic letter? To the twelve tribes...(thought retreived). In which case, is James acknowledging that whichever Christian he writes to, they will at some point in their walk with God go through trials. That trials are simply a given when it comes to being a Christian - they may be of 'various kinds', but they will happen...?

This seems to fit with my personal experience, and also encourages me that whatever James has written here, it can apply to me too (apart from the fact that it's the Word of God).

v3. you KNOW. They KNEW that testing = steadfastness. So why is he saying it? A reminder perhaps?

(slightly relevant tangent insertion: I studied part of Jonah with two friends last night and we were talking about how Jonah just forgot who God was...and yet when he described him to the sailors, who didn't know him, they recognised instantly how much God was worthy of their respect. How often, we said, do we as Christians just forget who God is?)

Remember what you ALREADY KNOW. This isn't new teaching, and it's trustworthy anyway because it's God's Word, but you can also know it to be trustworthy from the experiences you have had. You already knew it before I reminded you of it.

How did they know? Well how do we know anything? Through what we're told, yes, but also through experience. Surely the people James was writing to had experienced testing....and had experienced the result of of faithfulness through testing - that is, increased steadfastness. But we so easily forget this when the next trial comes along. Which is why we need reminding.

So...count it joy when you meet trials? Why? Because of the end result! Steadfastness. And what that leads to....perfection and completion! Surely we want that....

This is the wonderful revealed 'secret' of suffering and trials - God in His mercy and grace uses them for our good!

I guess not everyone's experienced this. Or, maybe a better way to put it would be to say people have experienced this to varying degrees. But me, personally....I KNOW, through times of struggle, I KNOW from these experiences that my faith has been tested and it has developed steadfastness within me. I often don't feel like it, but I know that I am a more mature and steadfast Christian now than I was two years ago. And I know that's a result of God's grace to me in testing times. And I know that means I can praise Him for those trials. Because I'm very glad I'm more mature and steadfast now!

But there's more isn't there...

"And", v4. And = more. And = don't stop there. Don't stop at just having joy in trials. Don't stop at wanting to be steadfast. Understand WHY steadfastness is so good.

Doesn't sound a particularly great word, does it, 'steadfastness'. Doesn't sound 'cool'. or fun.
What does it mean anyway?

How about steady. Un-moving. Fixed. Anchored. (BB Motto- Sure and Steadfast)

And what does it achieve? v4. Perfection and completion. How does being steadfast, being anchored, have the effect of perfection?

Well, if you're anchored in God...

Oh and another thing, James acknowledges that trials, difficult situations will test our faith. Will be difficult. What does 'testing' of our fatih mean? Doubt? Quite probably, although from my reading of James as a whole earlier I noticed he has other things to say about doubt, but I'll get to that soon (in a couple of days/weeks at this rate of reading!)

So anyway, it's ok to feel tested! It's ok, and natural, and will happen that our faith is tested in and through difficult situations. We cannot, don't have to, and should not face difficult situations with a blind optimism. That sounds a pretty daft way to face difficulties and trials. Almost denial. Sometimes maybe we think we should just blindly say "It's ok, God will sort it", which is all very well if you truly believe that but I think sometimes we (I) feel a pressure to say such things because I don't feel 'allowed' to be tested. I don't feel 'allowed' to doubt. I don't feel 'allowed' to find things difficult if I'm a Christian.

RUBBISH! James states quite clearly "when you face trials", "the testing of your faith", which implies quite clearly that we WILL face trials and our faith will be tested. He doesn't say "If you're weak and find yourself tested, if your faith is weak and you start to struggle". No. Your faith, whoever you are as a Christian, will be tested.

Freedom in that thought alone.

So, no blind, false optimism or denial. But we SHOULD count our trials as joy. We should let our testing drive us to be anchored in God. We should take our testing and doubts to God and let Him remind us of what we already know - that this situation is going to work for our good, by His love and grace.

There's also a sense of responsibility. 'And let'. Don't stop. Don't forget. Don't put an end to it. Persevere, I guess. LET steasdfastness work in you. Let God work in you. In fact, this will happen naturally if we do the first bit, if we go to God. If we are seeking to be steadfast in Him, the natural result is that He will work in you to bring you to perfection and completion...LACKING NOTHING.

When we face trials, we often feel like we're lacking something. Sometimes we think we know exactly what it is we're lacking - love, security, a roof over our heads, money in the bank, a sympathetic boss, friendships...

Sometimes, it's hard to put a finger on what is lacking, what exactly wouldmake the situation better.

Always, we will lack nothing if we anchor ourselves in the Lord (nothing of value). Because when we think we know what we're lacking - IS that what we actually lack? Or do we simply lack perfetion and completion in the BIBLICAL sense. Do we lack steadfastness in God?

These are such hope-filled verses! James is so clear - THIS is what perfection and completion really means. Not the situation changing to how I want it, but growing in steadfastness, remembering that we are anchored in the Lord. Lacking nothing.

Woop for the God of my salvation!

And THIS is why we count our trials as joy. Because we focus not on the trial itself, but on the opportunity it presents us to anchor (or re-anchor) ourselves in God.

Trials = blessings!!!

This is hard to grasp. And perhaps slightly weird. But it's true! It's the wonderful, exciting revelation of God's Word that He is full enough of mercy and grace to use even our struggles to bring us joy. And perfection. And completion. True completion.

The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. The amazing truth is that when I'm going through even the hardest of trials, when I'm at my weakest, when I feel that I nothing, I can remember that, anchored in God, steadfast, I lack nothing. I can glorify God and enjoy Him even when I feel there is nothing else to enjoy and I have nothing to offer in glorifying God.

James said he was a servant of God - is he here teaching us a little of what that means? What it looks like?

And back quickly to Jonah...I was talking about what we'd studied with another friend (yes, I have several) and he said something quite simple, but quite profound and very on the mark and very helpful.

"So often we are like Jonah, but God is always like God."

Yes!

God is always like God.

I want to follow the teaching of James. Not because of James, but because he points me to God. He points me to my anchor. I want to be like Jesus, humbly meeting trials head on, focusing on the end result, not the present suffering. When you MEET trials, James says. I want to meet them, square in the face, knowing that I am anchored and steadfast in the God of salvation and that I can run to him when I am tested, that I can stand firm in Him when I am tested, and that when the testing is over (especially when, on that glorious Day, it is finally and completely over) I will be steadfast, perfect, complete. Lacking nothing.

And, therefore, having everything.

The Catechism for Kids

2008-05-25T14:47:00.000-07:00

Children's talk at church went something like this...

"I'm gonna come down and sit at your level. Now I know the big people, the adults, don't think you can learn stuff or understand stuff, but I know and you know that you're more intelligent than that...and that you're probably much better at remembering stuff than the big people are. So we're gonna learn something today that I think you're clever enough to learn. When we learn something new it helps to repeat it. So I want you to repeat after me:

'Man's chief end...'

(kids: 'man's chief end' x3)

Great! Now we're gonna add a bit.

Ready?

'Man's chief end is to glorify God'

(kids: 'man's chief end...is to glorify God' x 4)

Great! Now let me explain what that means. It means the reason you were born is to glorify God. That's why you're alive. Now how do you 'glorify God'? What does that mean? Well it means you do what God says. So that means you read the Bible and find out what God says and tells you to do, and then do it. And that's how you glorify God. (which, I'm afraid, also means obeying your parents.)

Let's try it one more time, you do it on your own this time:

Kids: 'Man's chief end is to glorify God'

Great."

---End talk---

That's not word for word, I wasnt taping what the guy was saying. But it's the gist of it.

I was beaming from ear to ear. More, please.

Back into the fray...

2008-04-14T10:47:00.000-07:00

Maybe.

It seems I've been forced back into blogging. Maybe 'forced' isn't the right word. Probably not. But here I am, possibly against my better judgement and definitely against my aching body's wishes to lie down and sleep!

I stopped blogging for varoius personal reasons. There have been one or two occasions over the past year which have tried to tempt my blogging juices to get flowing again, but obviously to no avail. I can't say I've really missed it at all. But nevertheless, here once more I am typing away on my brother's laptop. I didn't think I'd remember my blogspot.com password, but it appears I do.

Have you missed my random ramblings?! Maybe now's the appropriate time to finally introduce the subject - or, what I hope will be the subject if I can keep my focus - of this post...

The problem is that I often have most of what I perceive to be my most wise, insightful, helpful, downright clever thoughts when I'm driving to/from work and have a lot of time to think. But as soon as I leave my car, the sphere of brain power, clearly; I forget.

Something about pride is springing to mind.

Anyway, this blogpost will not be coherent (if you hadn't already guessed). I think I have more questions than anything else.

And I think that's a huge part of what provoked me to write this post in the first place.

So. Let's kick off proper like.

Yesterday was Sunday. Sunday means church. Off to church I went.

Our minister has recently retired. Enter visiting speaker. Enter Ceryn, asked to do the reading. Enter 1 Corinthians 15:12-28. (I have forgotten how to do links...maybe I'll come back and edit this later. If not, go to biblegateway.com. Or, even better, your actual real Bible.)

So, I read that passage and thought WOW this sermon's gonna be awesome.

I read the passage out in church and got excited by everything it said.

And then.

I don't want to make this overdramatic but really, why do people just not preach the passage anymore?

I read that passage, which to be honest was a passage I desperately needed to read and be reminded of (which, maybe, is why I was doubly upset...is that 'wrong'?) and then listened to a sermon that did not mention it at all. AT ALL. Well, apart from a few passing references to the fact that Christ is risen.

What, instead, the guy (who is lovely and a brother in Christ) said was...something about how Jesus - the risen Jesus - is available to us in all areas of our life, how we can experience Him in all areas of our life, how He meets us in different situations. He used examples from the gospels of different people Jesus appeared to and the different personalities they were/different situations they were in (again, though, without ever quoting any Bible verses).

Even typing this now I want to cry. My heart aches at the lack of Bible centred teaching in my church. Is it just my church?

The thing is, I couldn't pick out any heresies. There wasn't anything he said that wasn't true. That, no doubt, wasn't encouraging.

But is that the point? It's a good thing, I think. But is it the point?

I went to talk to him afterwards. I've wanted to do that to many a preacher since I've been home and never have. In fact, I've become content with it. I've succumbed to the mentality that it's just all we can expect, because I've become tired of fighting what I've perceived to be an easily lost battle. Because I've been fed up of being labeled the 'revolutionary' who is just too young and fresh out of uni to know how the church works in the real world.

Maybe that's an unfair caricature of how people have perceived me. But it's how I've felt.

But after a week at New Word Alive (praise God), and with Jess sat beside me, who agreed and made me realise I wasn't the only crazy young revolutionary, I just couldn't stand for it anymore.

That there's fighting talk, but then I was faced with the prospect of how exactly to approach a man who is well known and respected around these here parts, is old enough to be my grandad (and therefore automatically deserves my respect), and does, I'm convinced, love the Lord - how to approach such a man, my brother in Christ, whose 'profession' (for want of a much better word) is teaching the Bible...and tell him I'm concerned with how he preached. That, let's be blunt, I didn't really agree with what he did.

The answer, of course, is prayer, love, sensitivity and, I think, discreetness. I didn't want to approach him in front of everyone else - both for his benefit and that of my church, who I've come to realise I do love dearly. I didn't want to be responsible for making them stumble, I didn't want to be responsible for causing gossip ("Did you see Ceryn questionning the minister?")...and yet at the same time part of me wanted them to see, wanted them to realise that ministers are just human after all, and that we are 'allowed' to question. In love.

But, we waited till most people had left and asked the minister for some of his time.

We discussed exspository preaching, we discussed whether it's the only way to preach, we discussed why he didn't preach in that style - why he didn't mention the passage at all. I admitted I felt like he was disregarding the Bible - that we'd had the reading and therefore done what we should do, now let's just have a nice chat about life experience. I put forward my very serious concerns, which nearly made me cry right there and then, that the church is not rooted in Scripture, that it is not being taught from Scripture, that it is therefore not growing.

He asked me where I was rooted. Cue almost tears again. Because all I could think was 'nowhere'. I know a lot of that is my own fault because I have not been taking responsibility for personal Bible study. But. Neither do I feel fed in church. Neither do I feel that those who have supposedly been called to teach the Word of God are doing so. Neither do I feel that there is a high view of Scripture in these 'ere parts. And I'm scared it's not just in these 'ere parts.

I'm not saying every sermon should be a verse by verse analysis of a passage. But. Why go to the other extreme?

He suggested that if you preach the same style, or even message - the gospel - every week, people will get bored. God have mercy on us if that is true.

I left the conversation feeling that he was incredibly disillusioned, and I felt sorrow in my heart that he had been defensive, had probably felt under attack although that was never ever my intention, and had not really heard what I was trying to say. I felt sorrow that he has become so disillusioned, and I pray that God would restore to him something of a revolutionary spirit, which is so often just associated with youth - and has a negative connotation.

But should it? I don't know. Many of the quesitons I'm asking right now are just that - questions. I don't have the answers.

But I do feel that we need to be a bit revolutionary these days. We need to stand up for the Bible, certainly. I'm incredibly scared at how easily I've slipped into a lifestyle which does not have a high regard for Scripture; how easily I've succumbed to the pressure of being the only one who wanted to hear expository preaching, or at least the only one who thought it was possible.

And I'm more than saddened by the lack of grounding in Scripture. I'm more than saddened that people just accept what a guy in a pulpit says as a good sermon if it makes them feel good or encourages them even slightly. I'm more than saddened that people are used to - and want, in many cases - that style of preaching. That if he doesn't say anything heretical, then it's ok. (As he himself asked me to measure his sermon - by the bar of herecy.)

But is it ok?

I'm convinced it's not. Should I be otherwise?

I'm sad. I really, really am. I long that people would love the Bible more and long to hear it taught so that they may grow in and from it. I long that I'd not lose that longing again.

But neither do I want to sit in a sermon every Sunday and pull it to pieces. Some weeks ago I had a similar experience of listening to a sermon which did mention the passage once or twice this time, but didn't really have any structure and was difficult to understand (again, could very likely mainly be me). I spoke to someone afterwards who agreed with me, and someone else who thought it was a fantastic sermon. Because they'd picked up on one or two sentences which were true and right. The thought crossed my mind that I'd like a simple life like that, that I'd like to not have the background of CU and Relay training which has fed me gold Bible teaching and taught me to settle for nothing less.

But I don't really think that. I pointed out to said person that yes, said minister had said some earth shattering things (NB - those were the bits where he actually talked about the passage); but was that the point? Some truth? Some Bible?

Or should we be clamouring for nothing but the Bible?

The point is, some or no Bible sermons are comfortable, usually, aren't they? They don't tax your brain and quite often they may encourage you, but they don't challenge you.

And anyway, again, is that the point? Shouldn't we long for the Bible simply because it's the Bible?

Where have we gone so, so wrong? And how, oh how, can we begin to turn the tide?

Of course, the answer is on our knees.

Postscript: I'm quite aware that I haven't really quoted/referred to any Bible in this post...

so, go and read the one passage I did quote in 1 Corinthians. Go and read how our faith is not futile, how we are not dead in our sins - because of Christ. Go and read about how amazing is the resurrection. Go and read some pure gold TRUTH. And then please pray with me, for the sake of our resurrected Christ, that this Truth would not be forgotten or neglected by anyone, least of all - LEAST OF ALL - by the Church.

Back to there

2007-01-21T13:51:00.001-08:00

Well, just as I'm starting to get the blogging bug back, albeit rather slowly, I'm away for a week! Which no doubt, judging by past experience, will make me forget about blogging altogether again for a while.

Off to Ledbury, to the legendary Dyke House, for Relay 2.

Bring it on!

Voice from Christian past

2007-01-20T04:20:00.000-08:00

"There is much in the attitude of professing Christians in this day which fills me with concern, and makes me full of fear for the future. There is an amazing ignorance of Scripture among many, and a consequent want of established, solid religion. In no other way can I account for the ease with which people are, like children, "tosses to and fro, and carried about by every wind of doctrine" (Eph 4:14). There is an Athenian love of novelty abroad, and a morbid distaste for anything old and regular, and in the beaten path of our forefather. Thousands will crowd to hear a new voice and a new doctrine, without considering for a moment whether what they hear is true. - There is an incessant craving after any teaching which is sensational, and exciting, and rousing to the feelings.-There is an unhealthy appetite for a sort of spasmodic and hysterical Christianity. The religious life of many is little better than spiritual dram-drinking, and the "meek and quiet spirit" which St Peter commends is clean forgotten (1 Pet 3:4). Crowds, and crying, and hot rooms, and high flown singing, and an incessant rousing of the emotions, are the only things wich many care fo.-Inability to distinguish differences in doctrine is spreading far and wide, and so long as the preacher is "clever" and "earnest", hundreds seem to think it must be all right, and call you dreadfully "narrow and uncharitable" if you hint that he is unsound!"

"After all, I am convinced that the greatest proof of the extent and power of sin is the pertinacity with which it cleaves to man even after he is converted and has become the subject of the Holy Ghost's operations. To use the language of the Ninth Article, 'this infection of nature doth remain - yea, even in them that are regenerate.' So deeply planted are the roots of human corruption, that even after we are born again, renewed, 'washed, sanctified, justified,' and made living members of Christ, these roots remain alive in the bottom of our hearts, and, like the leprosy in the walls of the house, we never get rid of them until the earthly house of this tabernacle is dissolved. Sin, no doubt, in the believer's heart, has no longer dominion. It is checked, controlled, mortified, and crucified by the expulsive power of the new principle of grace. The life of a believer is a life of victory, and not of failure. But the very struggles which go on within his bosom, the fight that he finds it needful to fight daily, the watchful jealousy which he is obliged to exercise over his inner man, the contest between the flesh and the spirit, the inward 'groanings' which no one knows by he who has experienced them - all, all testify to the same great truth, all show the enormous power and vitality of sin. Mighty indeed must that foe be who even when crucified is still alive! Happy is that believer who understands it, and while he rejoices in Christ Jesus has no confidence in the flesh; and while he says, 'Thanks be unto God who giveth us the victory,' never forgets to watch and pray lest he fall into temptation!...No proof of the fulness of sin, after all, is so overwhelming and unanswerable as the cross and passion of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the whole doctrine of His substitution and atonement. Terribly black must that guilt be for which nothing bu the bloos of the Son of God could make satisfaction. Heavy must that weight of human sin be which made Jesus groan and sweat drops of blood in agony at Gethsemane, and cry at Golgotha, 'My God, My God, why hast Thou forsaken Me?' (Matt 27:46). Nothing, I am convinced, will astonish us so much, when we awake in the resurrection day, as the view we shall have of sin, and the retrospect we shall take of our own countless shortcomings and defects. Never till the hour when Christ comes the second time shall we fully realize the 'sinfulness of sin'. Well might George Whitfield say, 'The anthem in heaven will be, What hath God wrought!'"

"'Holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord...' - Hebrews 12:14...Are we holy? Shall we see the Lord? That question can never be out of season. The wise man tells us, 'There is a time to weep, and a time to laugh - a time to keep silence, and a time to speak' (Eccles. 3:4,7); but there is no time, no, not a day, in which a man ought not to be holy. Are we? That question concerns all ranks and conditions of men. Some are rich and some a re poor - some learned and some unlearned - some masters, and some servants; but there is no rank or condition in life in which a man ought not to be holy. Are we? I ask to be heard to-day about this question. How stands the account between our souls and God? In this hurrying, bustling world, let us stand still for a few minutes and consider the matter of holiness. I believe I might have chosen a subject more popular and pleasant. I am sure I might have found one more easy to handle. But I feel deeply I could not have chosen one more seasonable and profitable to our souls...Do you want to attain holiness? Do you feel this day a real heart desire to be holy? Would you be a partaker of the Divine nature? Then go to Christ. Wait for nothing. Wait for nobody. Linger not. Think not to make yourself ready. Go and say to Him, in the words of that beautiful hymn - 'Nothing in my hand I bring, Simply to Thy cross I cling; Naked, flee to Thee for dress; Helpless, look to Thee for grace.' There is not a brick nor a stone laid in the work of our sanctification till we go to Christ. Holiness is His special gift to His believing people. Holiness is the work He carries on in their hearts, by the Spirit whom He puts within them."

"I grant it costs much to be a true Christian. but who in his sound senses can doubt that it is worth any cost to have the soul saved? When the ship is in danger of sinking, the crew think nothing of casting overboard the precious cargo. When a limb is mortified, a man will submit to any severe operation, and even to amputation, to save life. Surely a Christian should be willing to give up anything which stands between him and heaven. A religion that costs nothing is worth nothing! A cheap Christianity, without a cross, will prove in the end a useless Christianity, without a crown."

"When I speak of 'growth in grace' I only mean increase in the degree, size, strength, vigour, and power of the graces which the Holy Spirit plants in a believer's heart. i hold that every one of those graces admits of growth, preogree, and increase. I hold that repentance, faith, hope, love, humility, zeal, courage, and the like, may be little or great, strong or weak, vigorous or feeble, and may vary greatly in the same man at different periods of his life. When I speak of a man 'growing in grace', I mean simply this - that his sense of sin is becoming deeper, his faith stronger, his hope brighter, his love more extensive, his spiritual-mindedness more moarked. He feels more of it in his life. He is going on from strength to strength, from faith to faith, and from grace to grace...Now would it not be well to look within, and put to our souls a simple question? In religion, in the things that concern our peace, in the great matter of personal holiness, are we getting on? DO WE GROW?"

JC Ryle (1816-1900), "Holiness"

Revisited

2007-01-18T12:26:00.000-08:00

God's been reminding me a lot of this lately.

The inspiration and the words He gave me.

Maybe He's trying to tell me something...

O wondrous story!

2007-01-05T05:26:00.001-08:00

Who is He in yonder stall
At Whose feet the shepherds fall?
Who is He in deep distress,
Fasting in the wilderness?

Chorus:
’Tis the Lord! O wondrous story!
’Tis the Lord! the King of glory!
At His feet we humbly fall,
Crown Him! crown Him, Lord of all!

Who is He the people bless
For His words of gentleness?
Who is He to Whom they bring
All the sick and sorrowing?

Who is He that stands and weeps
At the grave where Lazarus sleeps?
Who is He the gathering throng
Greet with loud triumphant song?

Lo! at midnight, who is He
Prays in dark Gethsemane?
Who is He on yonder tree
Dies in grief and agony?

Who is He that from the grave
Comes to heal and help and save?
Who is He that from His throne
Rules through all the world alone?

A silly illustration

2007-01-05T05:10:00.001-08:00

Maybe somewhat cheesy, but hey, you know me (if you don't, then be informed that ever so occasionally I like cheesy links/illustrations).

So on Christmas day it's become a tradition in the Oakes household to go to Ebenezer Baptist Chapel. It's not the church we attend now, but we did, and my parents did before they were married (in fact, that's where they were married, as were I think most of my dad's family). My Nana still attends this church, has done all her life, along with my uncle and his family. My earliest memories of Sunday school are in that church. I remember thinking actually this past Christmas day that they'd changed the gates at the front of the church because they were a lot smaller...obviously I'm a lot taller (steady on the jokes).

Anyway, enough of the history lesson!

The point is, this particular Christmas day the church was celebrating its 100th Christmas and so after the service everyone gathered for a photo. Now, I felt somewhat cheeky at first and thought that maybe we shouldn't be in it as we're not part of the congregation anymore. But after all, we do have (and my parents certainly do have) close associations with that church that go back years - and my Nana can claim the title of 'person who's celebrated most Christmasses in Ebenezer' - so I decided that we were entitled to be in the photo as part of the Ebenezer family 2006 because of our family ties.

And this is where the cheese comes in.

As I stood in that photo I thought "This is SO the opposite to grace!" A funny thought, let me explain...

Isn't it great that we are members of God's family not because of our own family history, or ties to so-and-so, or anything other than grace?!

Because if we were to take a photo of all of God's kingdom we would see people included who have NO family ties to a church ever.

Isn't it in fact wonderful that there is nothing I can claim in and of myself or my relations that entitles me to be part of God's kingdom?

On the face of it it doesn't seem wonderful. On the face of it, by our nature, we look for evidence to present to God that He can count us in. Especially when we feel we've stuffed up. Grace seems too easy, too good to be true, and so we desperately search for something in and of ourselves that we can show to God, in a slightly warped way, something that will make Him proud of us and count us in. This is something I've been struggling with lately...maybe more thoughts to follow...we shall see what God says on that one.

And (more cheese) as I said to some students at Bournemouth...grace, and everything the Bible says about God and how to have a relationship with Him IS too good....but it IS true.

Anyway, this is a very long-winded way of saying isn't grace amazing? Praise God that we are counted righteous in Christ, we are welcomed into God's family not on our own merits or the merits of our family. Nothing else comes into it except our acceptance that Christ is our substitute, that He took the punishment we deserve for going our own way and not God's.

Nothing, absolutely nothing and absolutely nobody can be used as a token to get ourselves into God's kingdom apart from faith in Christ. That is a very good thing.

Nothing, absolutely nothing and absolutely nobody, is worthy of more praise than our wonderful God for what He has done.

(And the word 'wonderful' just doesn't cut it.)

Prayer - take three

2006-12-28T10:00:00.000-08:00

As I said, I also looked at a book called 'The prayer God longs for'. Goldsworthy's book was helpful for looking at the theology of prayer but I also wanted to get right back to basics. And I wanted to see how what Goldsworthy said fitted, if at all, with the prayer we learnt in school.

I guess part of the reason the Lord's prayer has always struck me is because it seems so basic. And yet I have thought for some time that it couldn't be that basic. It was how Jesus taught his disciples to pray. (As a side note, the fact that they needed teaching is an encouragement to me! But also tells me that prayer is something we need to practice, it is a discipline, it is an outworking of our salvation, a fruit of our redemption...)
If this was all he said in teaching them to pray, then surely it must encapsulate so much, was my thinking. Or else, if it really is that simple, why do I often make my prayers so complicated and worry so much about how I pray/what I pray/why I pray?

James Emery White takes each line of the Lord's prayer (which he'd rather call the 'disciples prayer') and looks at it in detail. It's a really easy book to read, very simple and very helpful.

Having read this book, I'm now more convinced than ever of the need to pray this prayer, often. And the need to pray it because it encapsulates everything my prayers should be. It is (surprise, surprise) a wonderful framework for prayer.

When I pray “Our Father”, I'm reminded of the basis of prayer as discussed in Goldsworthy – God is addressed as Father because, firstly, He is the Father of Jesus. I am united to Jesus and I share His sonship. This is the reason I address God as Father – because of Jesus' redemptive work.

This then, right at the start of my prayer, focuses my mind back on Christ, on the fact that I can only address God as Father in the name of Jesus. And it also focuses me on the fact that I can only pray in the name of Jesus through the Holy Spirit. So right from the beginning, I am reminded of God's trinitarian nature.

But it's not just 'our' father – it's 'abba' father. It's intimate. I pray to the creator of the universe as my dad. As much as the theology is important, it should not distance me from God in my prayer. Rather it should bring me closer, as I understand that I can address Him in the most intimate way. I don't need to distance myself. I can pray to my Father, which means I can pray enjoying the fullness of a wonderful parent-child relationship. I can just crawl into His lap!

When I pray “in heaven” again this reminds me of the God to whom I pray. It reminds me of His power.

I don't pray to a small god, a god who is maybe capable of doing some cool stuff and a few miracles but not much really. I pray to the God of heaven (and earth). I pray to the God who is capable of more than I can ask or imagine. So often I put God in a box. When I pray our Father in heaven, I am forced to take down those walls and realise that He's outside them.

I am reminded of, and forced to recognise afresh, His immense power. Power over nature, over disaster, over salvation...over me. Do I pray like I know I'm praying to God in heaven?

“hallowed be your name” - this is a big one. Because too often it's easy to focus on the daddy side, the intimate side. It's too easy to not take God's name seriously enough. God's name is holy because He is holy. This isn't something to be taken lightly. Nor should we fear it in the sense that we lose the intimacy, but there has to be a balance.

Then we come to the crunch – being submitted to God by prayer “your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven”. I spoke a bit earlier about the “your kingdom come” bit. The emphasis is on the 'your' isn't it.

It's not me and my will, it's God and His will that ultimately I want. These are hard words to pray. Maybe that's why we (I) don't pray the Lord's prayer so often. It takes a complete submission and neglect of pride to pray these words.

But pride is what cut us off from God in the first place. It is a battle we (I) will face daily, our battle with pride. So these are important words to pray.
This line is an intense line in prayer, these are intense words. Because when we pray these words, we pray first and foremost that God's kingdom would come in US, and from us spread to the world.

What I find fascinating about the Lord's prayer though is that it isn't just about God's will. Because the second half of the prayer moves on to prayer for our daily bread (which includes everything, we need to be reminded that we are dependant upon God for everything!).

It also moves on to our need for forgiveness, and the enabling to forgive others. It makes perfect sense to me that Jesus could have just told us to pray for His will to be done in our lives, because surely that's the most important thing.

But He cares! He is our daddy. And the Lord's prayer demonstrates completely, I think, how well He knows us. The structure of it belies that. We are focused first and foremost on who He is and that His will is most important – and it is in that context that we move on to pray for our needs.

Yes, he wants to hear about our needs, which is remarkable in itself. But He teaches us to pray for them in a way which humbles us before Him and reminds us that His glory is number one, and that He is all powerful so we have nothing to fear/want for.

We are totally dependent on Him. And we are forced to be honest with Him when we pray that he would forgive us “as we forgive others”. Again, these are hard lines to pray. But pray them we must. I must.

And then finally I am humbled (if I haven't already been!) by asking God to deliver me from evil. I'm reminded that this is a spiritual battle. And it's a battle that I am fighting in every day, but that I cannot win. It's a battle I have to rely totally on God for strength in.

There but for the grace of God go I.

I am susceptible to any temptation that I judge others on yielding to. I don't want to admit that, I'd like to think there are at least some areas in my life that I am in control of and that there are some temptations I would never yield to. But that's just not true. I need God to lead me away from temptation, to deliver me from evil.

I guess I've just been reminded of WHY prayer is a necessity. I always knew it was, but I'd lost focus on why. When I pray, somehow, God listens. I can understand the theological reasons for that – my unity with Christ through His redemptive work on the cross – but it still blows me away when I really think about it.

I am a child of God. I really am. This isn't a fairy tale, this is reality. I have the utter privilege of calling the creator of the universe daddy. And I can talk to Him. I can talk to Him about anything, and He will listen, because of Jesus.

But more than that, somehow, again beyond my comprehension, is the fact that even when I don't want to pray, He will help me through His Spirit – and that both the Spirit and Jesus intercede FOR me is something I'm still trying to get my head around. I guess it's when I lose that focus that prayer becomes hard. I need to be excited about prayer – not whip myself up into an excitement but focus on who God is, what He's done for me, and how I can, amazingly, have a part in His plans through the medium of prayer, by praying for His kingdom to come...

And I've been reminded, and encouraged, that there is no such thing as unanswered prayer. I can be confident that God hears my prayers because of Jesus, and that even when I don't know what to pray, the Spirit intercedes for me.

And so I know God hears. What then, does He simply ignore me sometimes?! Of course not. If he did, I would have no basis for calling Him Abba. He is my dad, and so I know he listens. But I also pray His will be done. And in that context, I know that He will answer. He will answer in accordance with His will.

Often this is hard to swallow. But it's the best way. And so I go on praying. I go on praying because that is how I learn to pray. That is how I am moulded, refined, transformed. I go on praying because of who God is. I go on talking to my dad by the enabling of the Spirit, in the name of Jesus.

I think I'm going to leave the study of prayer in terms of reading books on it for a while, and just focus on praying! There's so much more that I could look at, so many more aspects of prayer. But for me, for now, this is enough. It's been enough, it's been great, to just focus again on WHO God is. That's what I need to remind myself from now on of when I pray. And it's a matter of discipline.

Apparently William Wilberforce said once “All may be done through prayer – on then, pray, pray, pray.” For me right now the question isn't whether I understand prayer and the intricacies of how it works or not, the question is whether I'm praying, to my Father, in the powerful name of Jesus, through the Holy Spirit.

I know this isn't always going to be as easy as I'm making out! Which is why I like this story...

Prayer - take two

2006-12-28T09:59:00.001-08:00

So there you go. I guess mainly my drive was to re-affirm my confidence in prayer – something which had been shaken through my time of being ill.

Initially shaken because I just felt too tired to pray, then shaken because when I did pray, the thoughts on my heart weren't always firmly focused on God's faithfulness. They had been, but as time went on they became more of the “God get me out of this” type, and I wasn't sure I should pray those or not. Truthfully, I was a little confused!

I wanted to look at the Lord's prayer – a prayer which has always fascinated me if only for the fact that you rote-learn it in school (perhaps not these days) and Sunday school, but then never seem to pray when you're older, at least not in my experience.

I had this instinct that surely there must be more to that prayer than this. I think I've had that for a while, I remember in exec meetings at uni asking if we could pray it together, and getting cell to pray it together.

But I started by reading 'Prayer' by Philip Yancey. Whilst this book is great and I'd recommend it, it wasn't really entirely what I was looking for when I embarked on the study...it was certainly honest, which is one thing I love about it. And it made me want to pray honestly, to actively give God the thoughts He already knew were in my mind.

But like I said, I wanted to focus more on the Lord's prayer. And also I still had this niggling feeling that practical ideas/strategies for how to pray, how to persevere when praying's hard (although those suggestions are helpful and it's nice to know you're not the only Christian who struggles with prayer) weren't the answer, at least not the answer I was looking for. I knew I had to get to the root of prayer – why we pray in the first place, and remind myself of who we pray to.

So I turned to 'The prayer God longs for' by James Emery White, and 'Prayer and the knowledge of God' by Graeme Goldsworthy. Again, I'd recommend both books!

Goldsworthy begins his book by suggesting that how well we know God will have an impact on how we pray, and goes on through the book looking at this. Firstly he looks at how our knowledge of God relates to the basis of prayer, then the source of prayer, the enabling of prayer, the pattern of prayer and the progress of prayer throughout the Bible. To be honest, I need to read this book again to fully grasp it – I think the main problem is that I didn't read it all in one go, I read a bit on one day each week.

But it was really helpful, if somewhat technical in places. The first couple of chapters and the last one in particular were really helpful, mainly because they just reminded me of how great God is and what a privilege prayer is – this book REALLY made me want to pray, and made me excited about praying. But what I love about it is that it made me excited about praying by showing me who God is.

He reminded me that in the beginning, God spoke, and that a central aspect of prayer is the doctrine of the trinity. As for the basis of our prayers, this is our sonship in Christ. Jesus is the only true Son of God, and so it is only in union with Him we can cry Abba. We share Jesus' sonship – how amazing is that?!

So our prayer through Jesus is heard in the same way as Jesus' own prayers – that knocked me off my feet. Because it means it's ok when I don't pray as I should; it's ok that I can't find the words sometimes or sometimes I find it hard to muster up a prayer. Because Jesus has redeemed me – and that redemption includes my feeble prayers. If we really grasp that, Goldsworthy suggests, our prayers will no longer be half-hearted, but confident.

I love the words of The Vision, especially the last bit where it says “And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon. How do I know? Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God. My tomorrow is his today. My distant hope is his 3D. And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great 'Amen!' from countless angels, from hero's of the faith, from Christ himself.”

Sometimes, often in fact, my prayers are feeble, and they're not filled with much faith, and they're whispered when I don't quite believe God can answer...but I pray in the name of Jesus.

I've also learnt that developing our prayers is a fruit of our salvation, because prayer is, mainly, an activity of God's people, God's redeemed people who belong to Him because of Christ's work.

I've often wondered about how we should pray in terms of seeking God's will. For example with guidance for things, or for different situations. When praying that I'd get better I wondered whether that was what I should be praying, or whether there was any point if it wasn't God's will. But I've come to see that my focus was wrong.

My focus shouldn't necessarily be on WHAT I pray about – of course I am to pray about things in life, circumstances, situations – but I need to think about HOW I pray for those things. Do I pray for those things in a manner that suggests I want God's will, no matter what I'm praying about.

Goldsworthy asks at the end of one chapter “Are you thinking God's thoughts after Him?” Am I? That was a real challenge for me. When I pray, what is my primary concern. I've already said that of course we should pray for circumstances etc – but primarily I guess I've come to realise that I should be placing a big focus on praying in accordance with the gospel, which means praying in line with the storyline of the Bible, which is creation and redemption – which means praying “Your kingdom come”.

I'll come back to that when I talk about the Lord's prayer. But something the speaker at Portsmouth houseparty said struck me about this as well – he said that each new day is simply another day to proclaim Christ – that's the main reason for each day. Each new day isn't another chance to spend time with each other or accomplish certain things, it's the grace of God giving us one more day to preach Christ crucified. If that's the case, then that should be the focus of my prayers each morning.

Prayer is to the Father, through Jesus, enabled by the Spirit. This is prayer. In and of itself it is nothing to do with me. This is something I definitely need to remember when I'm struggling to pray – when my body and mind are tired, when I'm feeling low, when I'm wondering what the point is. The point is that God is God – that prayer is the result of knowing Him, the way I interact with Him (however I'm feeling).

Goldsworthy concludes his book by looking at characteristics of authentic Christian prayer. I was challenged that prayer should always be trintarian – I need to remember that when I pray. As much as the songs we sing neglect all persons of the Godhead, as we discussed in our Relay day on the Trinity, how often do my prayers? Indeed, it is only through the Spirit turning me to faith in Jesus so as to have access to the Father that I can pray at all! “Prayer is a foretaste of eternity with God”

Prayer - take one

2006-12-28T09:46:00.001-08:00

As part of Relay we do an elective study module - this term just gone I decided to look at prayer, for reasons that will be somewhat explained further on in this or another post. Anyway, the south east relays (plus staffworkers Kath and David) met at beginning of December to present to each other (and Kath and David!) what we'd learnt. Thought I might blog it, but probably in a couple of posts coz there's quite a bit!

So, post 1.

--------------------------------------

Prayer – a little word with big implications! And many aspects – a huge topic. And so obviously there's no way I will have studied all those aspects in one term. So I'm going to start by reading you what I wrote for Kath when I started this elective study, because that explains (I hope!) where I'm coming from in my study of prayer:

I seem to go through phases as far as praying goes. Sometimes I can't stop! This itself is split into 'sections' as it were – I can't stop praising or I can't stop asking! There are times, wonderful times, when I just cannot stop communicating with my heavenly Father. And then there are times, not so good times, when it seems like such an effort. When it seems too hard.

It often feels like I'm the only one with that experience. But experience assures me I'm not! I wonder, why is it that sometimes, far too often in fact, prayer can seem like such a struggle, an effort. Surely it comes down to our motivation and our focus.

Surely if we knew why we pray in the first place – I mean really knew – then it wouldn't be so hard? Because surely the reasons are good ones (God being God)! Surely if we could focus on that in the dry times then it would help us, even when the going gets tough.

And so my first question is why do we pray?

And I know there are times when I pray with the utmost confidence in who I am praying to and what the result will be. But then at times I pray so halfheartedly, not really expecting or knowing if God will answer my prayers.

So my second question is what happens when we pray?

And then there are times when my prayers are unsteady because I'm not sure I'm even supposed (/allowed?) to be praying what I am!

Hence the 3rd question – What should we pray when we pray?

I know there have been many books written on the subject, and I aim to look at these during the course of my study (some immediate ones which spring to mind are 'Prayer' by Philip Yancey and 'Praying and the knowledge of God' by Graeme Goldsworthy). But I also want to look at the prayers of the Bible. I want to know what the Bible tells us about prayer.

I'd like to base my elective study for this term on prayer mainly because it's something I struggle with, because it's something I want to understand more, because I want to engage in prayer more, and because I want to help my friends do the same.

I want to be excited about prayer.

A return to blogging - courtesy of Mr Townend

2006-12-24T08:54:00.001-08:00

From the squalor of a borrowed stable,
By the Spirit and a virgin's faith;
To the anguish and the shame of scandal
Came the Saviour of the human race!
But the skies were filled with the praise of heaven,
Shepherds listen as the angels tell
Of the Gift of God come down to man
At the dawning of Immanuel.

King of heaven now the Friend of sinners,
Humble servant in the Father's hands,
Filled with power and the Holy Spirit,
Filled with mercy for the broken man.
Yes, He walked my road and He felt my pain,
Joys and sorrows that I know so well;
Yet His righteous steps give me hope again -
I will follow my Immanuel!

Through the kisses of a friend's betrayal,
He was lifted on a cruel cross;
He was punished for a world's transgressions,
He was suffering to save the lost.
He fights for breath, He fights for me,
Loosing sinners from the claims of hell;
And with a shout our souls are free -
Death defeated by Immanuel!

Now He's standing in the place of honour,
Crowned with glory on the highest throne,
Interceding for His own belovèd
Till His Father calls to bring them home!
Then the skies will part as the trumpet sounds
Hope of heaven or the fear of hell;
But the Bride will run to her Lover's arms,
Giving glory to Immanuel!

Stuart TownendCopyright © 1999 Thankyou Music

Off again!

2006-11-24T14:51:00.000-08:00

I'm off adventuring again. And in this weather it really does feel like an adventure!

The hovercraft awaits to take me to the Isle of Wight for UPCU's houseparty. I'm looking forward to getting to know students better, a little scared about my seminar, but generally excited at what God's gonna do. And from there it's away to Bournemouth to help out with their mission week. (After a day off on Monday, but I doubt I'll be blogging anything!) And then I'm going home for a couple of days, which conveniently ties in with Nathan's birthday. And I probably won't blog anything then, either!

So, I'll be back here in December!

Oh for a closer walk with God

2006-11-22T09:19:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a brief conversation with my housemate, Lucy, about fasting and prayer. She was talking about a talk she'd heard at church on Sunday about fasting not having to mean food - why don't we fast watching TV for example? I suggested to her she should fast running round being so busy all the time. Wasn't until I was walking to housegroup later that night that I realised the irony of me saying that to her...

Well, maybe it's not such an ironic statement anymore as I'm unable to be as busy as I'd like to be. But that set me thinking - now, I'm no expert on fasting whatsoever. But surely the point is to give up something important in order to spend time with and focus on God who is, after all, infinitely more important. It occurred to me that I seem to have been forced into this position over the last x number of months...but I'm certainly not rejoicing in it! I'm certainly not of the attitude that this allows me to develop my walk with God. At least, not as much as I should be.

The journey has been a somewhat rough, uneven one. At first (apart form the pain) I was rather happy to take some time out. But as time has gone on, and on, with doctors still not knowing what's wrong, well, it's gotten somewhat harder. The days where I struggle to trust God, where I struggle for peace, where I struggle to delight in God are becoming more than the days where I do.

Last night as I was walking to housegroup I started to use the opportunity (as I often do when on trains/walking on my own) to text/ring people I wanted to get in touch with. But then that conversation with Lucy popped back into my head. How about I give up texting, just for this next half hour walk, and pray?

I was suprised at how hard it was! But as I prayed it occurred to me that I want to say, with Paul, that I rejoice in my sufferings, in my weaknesses. But as much as I want that, I'm holding back from it, and in the process I'm hardening my heart to God and His goodness.

At the root of it, I guess, is my pride. It's incredibly hard for me to pray or spend time with God because I'm so tired all the time...I keep trying to find the strength, but eventually it just gets too hard and I stop trying.

But God reminded me (again) last night that in NO PART is this about me. I can't even muscle up the strength to spend time with Him in prayer. It ALL has to come from HIM. As does the power to rejoice in my weaknesses.

I have to come to a point where I recognise, really recognise, that it's ok to be weak...but I think, unfortunately, that's a lesson I'm gonna have to go on re-learning. I wish I could learn it once for all.

And then in housegroup we looked at Philippians 1:27-2:11. We saw Jesus' humility.

The bottom line is, it's hard, BUT God alone is worthy. And one thing that has really stuck with me over the past few months is that without God I have nothing. So I'd better start looking to Him for the strength and desire to live for Him, hadn't I; I'd better start looking to Him in the dark times instead of pushing Him away; I'd better start looking to Him for peace, coz He's the only place I'll find it.

It's me and Will from now on!

2006-11-14T16:45:00.000-08:00

'Prayer - privilege and importance of!' Simon Pethick,

UPCU main meeting, 13/11/2006.

(Have to admit I was very tired during this talk, so my notes are probably not up to scratch. Therefore anything that doesn't make sense or sounds dodgy is thoroughly me, not Simon!)

Firstly, this is a massive topic, and not everything will be covered tonight!

Do you realise that every single mistake you've made as a Christian is because of a wrong understanding of the character of God? It's the conviction of every Christian that if we really knew what God was like, prayer would be a privilege, not a chore.

Isaiah 6. Isaiah is seeing God. The temple = vitally important. It's a huge, mammoth structure -and yet just the train of God's robe fills it completely. Wow - how big is God?!
Seraphs - literally 'burning ones'. They burn with white hot purity. And yet with two of their wings they cover their faces. Even though these seraphs are morally pure and didn't fall, they can't look at God. He's just too glorious.

They call to one another 'Holy, holy, holy' - this is a dimension beyond which Isaiah's mind can get a handle on, beyond what our minds can get a handle on.

And so what's his response? 'Woe to me'.
Isaiah says that now he's seen God, knowing what he himself is like, unclean, there's no hope for him.

Surely, if we saw God as Isaiah did then we wouldn't be so complacent about our relationship with Him. And prayer would be a privilege.

The curtain has been torn! So now it's not just the high priest, not just once a year, not just in a certain place...we can come to God ourselves, anytime, anyplace.

Is that a cheap privilege?

No! It took the death of Jesus to win us that privilege.
Hebrews 10:19. We haven't earned the right. Jesus' blood has washed us.

Prayer in some way changes the way God acts. James 4:2, Luke 11:9-10, 2 Chronicles 7:14. Not time to really go into this now, but let's just realise that this is what the Bible says...but remember that the power doesn't come from us. The power always comes from God. But prayer is the key to unlocking that power.

Matthew 3:17. What's that got to do with prayer? Adoption - big theme in New Testament. When you become a Christian God acts towards you as a son. You change family. Matthew 7:9 - the explanation.

In the New Testament we have the distinction between 'out of' God's riches and 'according to' God's riches. Imagine Bill Gates was your dad - if he promised you something 'out of' his riches, he'd be perfectly within his promise to give you just 5 pence. It's 'out of' what he has. But 'according to' his riches represents so much more! And God gives 'according to' His riches - so how much can we expect from God when we pray?!

Perhaps we still have this idea of God being stingy. But that's not God! If we ask, He gives us His Spirit - He gives us of Himself!

Once you've understood something of this...wow! God is more willing to give than we are to ask!

Prayer isn't an optional add-on. Prayer is a necessity. It's the fuel for effective Christian living. If you don't pray, you won't achieve anything.

When we depend upon organisations, we get what organisations give; when we depend upon education, we get what education can give; when we depend upon man, we get what man can give; when we depend upon prayer, we get what God can give...

2 Corinthians 4:2-6. The veil needs to be lifted. That needs a miracle! How? We're gonna be really persuasive, a massive event we put on, leaflets we give out...? Nope!
verse 5 - preach Christ as Lord.
verse 6 - God made His light shine in our hearts.

God created light. He SPOKE it into existence. Imagine watching that. You don't even know what light is up till this point, then, suddenly, God just speaks and wow, there it is. He just spoke, and light came to be. God employs that same power that He used to create light in the first place to make His light shine in people's hearts. It takes that kind of power. So how on earth are you going to see anyone saved if you don't pray? Yes we play our part - but it's not us. Preach Christ, yes, but do not neglect prayer.

We don't think we need it do we. Sometimes it just feels like a waste of time. When faced with a crisis, we'd rather do something practical to try and solve the problem, than pray. But prayer has to be a priority.

Be a broken record when it comes to prayer. Be a praying CU. No matter your gifts, you're useless without prayer. But with prayer - you're dangerous! Imagine all God could do through a praying CU.

Are you praying?

"All may be done through prayer...on then - pray, pray, pray!" - Wilberforce.

Prayer is an urgent necessity for serious Christians. Don't just get excited about prayer for one evening, and then neglect it when the going gets tough. It's you and Will.

Upopen

2006-11-10T19:58:00.000-08:00

I return to the south east!

But alas, I really am too tired to blog anything about team days! Hopefully soon, coz it rocked.

Sarah, Devon really is gorgeous.

Nathan...er, no. Woulda brought you back a pebble if I'd known.

Shutdown

2006-11-08T08:47:00.000-08:00

Not that this blog has been much open-up (sorry, tired) this last month or two, but I'm off to Exeter (which I'm told is lovely, when I get back I'll tell you whether this statement is in fact true) for team days with the lovely SE/SW team (that statement IS true, they are indeed lovely).

Hopefully when I return I won't be too tired to blog about what I've learnt! But don't hold your breath...

Hwyl fawr!

Out.

Pearl

2006-11-06T13:31:00.000-08:00

Have just listened to this.

Highly recommended.

Go listen now!

(Thanks to Bish for the link.)

From the Casting Crowns website...

2006-11-05T16:44:00.000-08:00

"I don't think it bothers the world that we sin. I think it bothers the world that we act like we don't. There are times that instead of being myself and exposing my own weakness and hurt, I portray a character of the person that I know I should be.
But when I expose myself as weak and frail at times, it frees the Body of Christ to restore me as it should and invites others to unmask as well.
Matthew 23:25-28/ Matthew 7:1-6/ John 8:7-9 Galatians 6:1 /1 John 1:9/ 1 Corinthians 15:9 2 Corinthians 12:9 / Romans 14:1"

Stained Glass Masquerade

Is there anyone that fails

Is there anyone that falls

Am I the only one in church today,

feelin so small

Cause when I take a look around

Everybody seems so strong

I know they'll soon discover

That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away,

like everything's okay

If I make them all believe it,

maybe I'll believe it too

So with a painted grin,

I play the part again

So everyone will see me

the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people

Under shiny plastic steeples

With walls around our weakness

And smiles to hide our pain

But if the invitation's open

To every heart that has been broken

Maybe then we close the curtain

on our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there

Are there any hands to raise

Am I the only one who's traded

In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing

And we know every line by heart

Only when no one is watching

Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free

If I dared to let you see

The truth behind the person

That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open

Or would you walk away

Would love of Jesus

Be enough to make you stay

Much to say, nothing to blog

2006-11-02T21:41:00.000-08:00

It seems that whenever I think of something to blog these days I'm either:
a. in bed trying to sleep
b. walking/on a train somewhere, and thus nowhere near a computer
c. too tired

It also appears that as well as I compose the prose (I nicked that phrase from Ed) in my head, I forget it by the time I'm sat in front of my computer.

But hey.

If I could remember the prose I composed in my head over the last week or so I'd write about the talk on worship at CU last week, and how every aspect of our lives is (or most definitely should be) worship to God (not just the singing...); or I'd talk about how blessed I am with parents who provide for me, know me and love me even when I don't speak to them or don't involve them; or I'd talk about how overwhelmed I've been by the support of friends this month; or the joy of team days, sharing thoughts about God and life and praying together with people I love and respect; then there's the fact that God is real and that means my life has meaning, even when it doesn't always feel like it or I don't know what I'm doing; there's also the way God has provided for me financially this month in ways I never dreamed; there's the study I've been doing; and of course I'd blog about how much passion I've got for the CU here and how excited I am at seeing students get excited about the gospel; linked to that there's the events that have been put on and looking forward to mission week.

Blogworthy topics all of the above. Rather different, but with a common theme. Yup, you guessed it, God.

I just don't have the words, because I just cannot get my head around grace (in some ways I pray I never do, because I don't want to become complacent).

You see, when you ponder the meaning of life as much as I seem to have done the past month or so, you realise that there's just nothing but God, there's nothing without Him. You realise that as tough as life gets sometimes, as many disappointments as there are, as much as you can't see where you're going, as hard as it is to slog on, as much as God may seem distant - you cannot get away from the fact that God exists. And that's a Good Thing - because the fact that He exists means there's a silver lining to the tough times, the disappointments, the blindness, the tiredness, and the feeling of distance - the silver lining is simply that He IS.

Because He is, I know that all of those things are temporary. Because He is, I can see the good stuff too - from the glistening sun in a clear blue sky on a crisp autumn (/winter!) day; to the cheque that comes in the post on exactly the right day, nay, at exactly the right hour; to the text/phonecall of a friend who knows exactly what to say; to the doctor who just wants to listen and help; to the smile on the face of a student who is immensely, genuinely excited at grace...

And all these things mean that there is a God who loves, cares, protects, refines. He's not just any God, He IS God. He is my God, He's my father, He's my dad. He has saved me from the cloud and set my focus on the silver lining. He has dealt with death. And He's done all that when I ignore Him and shun Him and try to make my own meaning; when I complain that the lining is silver, not gold.

I don't know what I'm talking about anymore really except that I know God is infinitely good, infinitely amazing and infinitely powerful and I know that He infinitely loves me. I know this, and I hold on to it and I long to see the result of it portrayed more in my life - not just in my actions and the things people see, but in my thoughts.

Oh, that I would wake each morning singing Amazing Grace - oh that grace would be my driving force, my strength, my song, my words, right from the start of each day. Oh that I would emanate God wherever I go. Oh that I would ask God to work that in me. And oh that I would let Him.

Oh that I would stop rambling, stop making things so complicated, and just enjoy God. Because when you strip it all down, He's there, He's all there is.

Subject to change

2006-10-25T11:21:00.000-07:00

So last Sunday night saw the completion of many months planning that the CU and churches in Portsmouth have put in to an event aimed at reaching non-Christians with the gospel. The general format was a jazz band and a Christian comedian, who would also deliver the gospel. 'Sunday night live' it was called.

Just a week before the event problems occurred (as they always seem to do). Basically, this meant that the event could no longer be held in the union and had to be moved to the pier. A bit of a setback. Maybe.

Actually my first reaction when I was told the venue had changed was 'phew'! Why? Because don't you think it's all too easy to place your security, in circumstances such as this, in where an event is held, or how cool it's gonna be, or how many people come along.

Frankly, it wouldn't have mattered if we'd had to hold it on the common in the open air and pouring rain, and one person had come along; if the gospel had been proclaimed faithfully and that person had been saved.

As it was, the union might have been a cool, central venue - but this was yet another reminder to me that God is God, and HE KNOWS BEST. He will have His way and no matter how many plans WE make, and we need to be always open to change as the Spirit leads us. God had clearly shut the door on the union, so all we could do was get excited that the event was gonna be great, regardless of where it was held.

That's hard though isn't it? As much as I was glad the venue had changed because it forced us to focus on God alone, I couldn't help that niggling feeling that maybe it would flop. Especially when the rain came. And came. And came. Part of me didn't even want to be out in that weather, let alone, I thought, non-Christians.

Oh how little faith I have in our wonderful God! The venue was packed, to the point where extra tables/chairs had to be laid out; to the point where we ran out of food; to the point that, I must be honest, exceeded my expectations.

That is the power of the gospel. That is the power of God.

What a challenge. A challenge to trust God more. A challenge to pray each day "God, this day is yours..." and then sit back and enjoy the day, expecting to be excited by Him. A challenge to place my security and trust only in God; not in venues or speakers or cool events.

And that last challenge extends doesn't it, it extends past venues etc into the rest of my life. I need to trust God with everything. I need to place my security in Him always - because everything else is subject to change.

Joy

2006-10-14T12:49:00.000-07:00

Joy is, I must admit, something I've struggled with recently. I've been struggling to remember that my joy isn't reliant on how I feel physically (although you'd think I'd have learnt that lesson by now).

A couple of weeks ago I read 'Finding Joy' by Marcus Honeysett. Read it! I don't know why I've left it so long to read that book.

And I'm grateful to the friends who have repeatedly, patiently, reminded me that my joy is not in something fleeting; it's not in a full diary; it's not dependant on my health or emotions or anything else about me. My joy is dependant on the Lord alone. And that means it is joy that results from a sure certain hope that I will one day be with Him in glory. Forever!

Reading Ed's post on joy just now reminded me of that again. Read it here.

I like these words

2006-10-11T13:06:00.000-07:00

OK, so a bit old fashioned in the language and I must admit I glossed over them at first (probably primarily for that reason) - but having read them a couple times more I really like them. I think coz they form a prayer I really need to pray right now (if not always). Anyway, enough of my rambling.

Spirit of God, descend upon my heart

Spirit of God, descend upon my heart;

Wean it from the earth, through all its pulses move;

Stoop to my weakness, mighty as thou art,

And make me love thee as I ought to love.

Hast thou not bid us love thee, God and King?

All, all thine own, souil, heart and strength and mind.

I see thy cross - there teach my heart to cling:

O let me seek thee, and O let me find.

Teach me to feel that thou art always nigh;

Teach me the struggles of the soul to bear,

To check the rising doubt, the rebel sigh;

Teach me the patience of unanswered prayer.

Teach me to love thee as thine angels love,

One holy passion filling all my frame;

The baptism of the heav'n descended Dove,

My heart an altar, and thy love the flame.

George Croly

Oh what to say

2006-10-06T09:09:00.000-07:00

Read all about it

All that jazz

2006-10-04T20:10:00.000-07:00

So, another freshers week! This time out of the confines of the safe haven I know as Reading's 360 and the wider areas of campus. Out of the routine I have become accustomed to. Away from the people I know and have shared a passion with for freshers for what seems like my entire life. In a place where I can barely find my way to the union. Well and truly, I must admit, out of my comfort zone. Speaking to freshers and handing out flyers seemed, somehow, so much easier in Reading.

And yet, reflecting on today, I'm reminded that I have the same God. The same God who is marevellous and amazing and unfathomable by my puny little brain.

Anyway. This God, this wonderful God, has surrounded me in Portsmouth with people who have simply welcomed me. With people who are passionate for His glory and not theirs. He has brought me to a place I don't know, to people I don't know, to a different setup; and yet He remains the same. The gospel remains the same. Grace remains the same. His strength and love and peace and guidance and the security I find in Him remains the same.

I was surrounded today by many clubs and societies that I'd never heard of! But I was accompanied by a God who knows them and understands them far better than I do. Who doesn't judge them, just loves them.

I was surrounded by people who need the gospel just as much as those in Reading do and in fact just as much as those across the world do. And I was moved to pray for them.

It was SO cool and such a blessing to be at the prayer meeting this morning. It was such a blessing to be at one of the halls on Monday; getting to know the hall leaders a little better and just chatting to freshers.

It's been great, only halfway through the week, to have come across people showing an interest in Christianity and to be burdened to pray for them.

In short, I think what I'm trying to say is that isn't it just amazing that however out of our comfort zones we are, we have the gospel and the grace of God to steady our shaky feet and nervous thoughts. And in fact, when we are out of our comfort zones it is then that we rely on God more, and in so doing bring Him glory. Isn't the gospel fantastic. Isn't it wonderful that as I gave out bags to people today I wasn't just giving them bags with sweets and flyers in- I was giving them bags containing Life, or at least the message of it. Real life. And as I did that, I knew I was part of a much bigger plan. And as I wandered around the freshers fayre giving out flyers, I knew that my friends in Reading were doing the same. And I could pray for them and know that God was in control. Because as we in Portsmouth were proclaiming the message, we joined with people not just in the south east of England, but all over the world who are living for Jesus and speaking for Jesus.

And why do we do that? Not because we're part of some big massive multinational club or society. Because we're children of the living God. Because we have the message of salvation. Because we know the Good News of eternal life, life in its FULLEST sense (John 10:10).

And when I got too tired and had to leave, I knew it was OK because though I am weak, God is strong. He is mighty to save and He will. He is the one in control of freshers fayre, not me. He is the one doing the work. He is the one who I can trust to do all things well. He is the one who is achieving His purposes in/for/through me (as opposed to me achieving my purposes for my life).

Isn't that cool.

IT'S FRESHER'S WEEK!!!!!

2006-10-01T12:46:00.000-07:00

HOW exciting!!! :)

Back with a bumper

2006-09-28T03:16:00.000-07:00

Ah, the insomnia returns...and so (un?)fortunately for you lot does the blogging.

I have to admit I've not had much motivation for blogging recently (shock horror). I think maybe I just got out of the swing of things, with two weeks at Quinta, followed by being far too tired to post anything of any interest or substance, followed by two weeks without net access...

But y'know what, it's not a bad thing. Blogs do have great points but they also have the potential to rule your life, which is a not-so-great thing.

Wasn't that profound.

I think I'd like to post something about Relay 1/Forum. Scrap that, I KNOW I'd like to post something about Relay 1/Forum. The thing is, there's just so much I could say (no change there). So just some off-the-top-of-my-head thoughts...

It was scary! It really was. I felt worse than a fresher, I felt like it was my first day at school. And there was immense feeling of 'wow, ok, we've been building up to this for a while but now it's actually happening...it's...actually...happening!' But even by the morning of the second day I felt almost at home. It was so great to meet the other Relay workers, and some of the staff. Precious days of fellowship that were much needed.

It was exciting! Once I got over the fear...It was very exciting to see the passion in the other Relay workers. The passion in the staff. To know that that passion came from a love for Jesus. To think about the term ahead and go 'yeah, ok, it's scary but wow this is exciting too'.

It was tiring! Relay 1 especially was very full on, which was fantastic. But I found it hard. Although I'm sure many of you will be pleased to know I was sensible! (ish)

It was fascinating! I loved the teaching, and I soaked it up.

It was hard.
Bearing all the above in mind, it was still tough because just before Relay 1 I'd had a MAMMOTH conversation with a very, very close friend who has been such a help to me in growing in my faith; and she told me she wasn't sure anymore that God existed and if He did then she was pretty sure Jesus wasn't the only way to Him. It rocked me somewhat but I don't think I realised how much it rocked me until halfway through the week of Relay 1 where I took a bit of a break coz I was tired and suddenly had time to really think. And then I thought too much. There's a danger, I find, with thinking too much! At least, there's a definite danger in dwelling on the bad stuff. Yes, I needed to process what my friend had said but it became almost like my faith depended on whether she was a believer or not.

I won't go into details, it's not necessary, but suffice to say it was hard. But you know what, to pinch Drew's wisdom-ful phrase "When you strip it all down, God's still there".

He IS. And because He IS, I'm alive. Because He IS, I'm where I am. Not because of my friend's faith. Not because my parents are Christians. Not because I went to CU throughout uni. Not because I go to church. Because of His grace. Purely and simply, His grace. His grace that says 'I'm Holy, I made you, you rebelled against me and still want your own way but I love you anyway - so much so that my Son Jesus lived a perfect sinless life as a human, died the death that you should have died, and rose again so that He defeated the power that this rebellion and death had over you, so that now you have freedom and can be united with me'.

It was only really last week that I started to completely let that sink in again. It's been a hard but good for me process. I've remembered again that there is no-one but God in whom I can find my identity. He is the only one that sustains me. His grace is the only possible satisfactory answer to the question of how we enter a relationship with Him.

Physically, I'm still not 100% and it's a struggle. I struggle to let God be God. And by doing that I turn my back on Him. By doing that I lose sight of Him. By losing sight of Him all I can see are my insecurities, my worries, my fears, and the devil's lies. And then that means that I doubt God. And then I focus on that.

But the cycle needs to be broken. Praise God that He breaks it! Praise Him that He loves ME. He really does! He loves me, a filthy rotten sinner! He loves me, even though I choose to go against Him or ignore Him far too many times each day. He loves me, in spite of my unloveliness. He loves me, because He loves me. That is it. He loves me, and He takes my focus away from my doubts (which, actually, means that my focus was on me) and turns it back to Him. And when I look up now I see Jesus. I see the radiance of God's glory (Hebrews 1:3).
(Read Hebrews 1!)

I read the Bible and I see how amazingly it fits together. I see that it doesn't just make intellectual sense, it makes sense FULL STOP. And it displays God's plan throughout all its pages. It shows God working throughout history. It shows God's awesome holiness. It shows His amazing grace. It shows His indescribable love.

It tells me that God is with me. It tells me that He sustains me. It tells me that He's creator. It tells me that He has a perfect plan for me.

I can do nothing but believe it because there is nothing of any value or substance or truth in this world but God. There is nothing in me that can substitute the joy and peace and love I have in Him. There is nothing anywhere that can do that. Because He IS.

He IS the one who, at 3am when I can't sleep and I'm frustrated and uncomfortable and wanting to cry, calls to me and says 'Come to me, I'll carry you'. He IS the one who knows how I feel when I can't explain it properly to anyone else. He IS the one who gives me peace in these times. He IS the one who is at work in my heart refining me. He IS the one who, by His grace, will welcome me into glory when my days on this earth are through. He IS the one who is at work here in Portsmouth, and back in Reading, and at home, and all over the world. He IS the one who I can trust to do all things well.

Him. Not me, not anyone else. Him, and only Him. There is nobody and nothing better than my God. There is nothing and nobody more worthy of my time and my energy and my trust and my love. There is nothing and nobody that I want to talk of more.

That wasn't really a post about Relay 1! Kinda tumbled out. But it was at Relay 1 that we were told "welcome to a year of weakness". It's true. For each of the people doing Relay, we will feel weak in different ways I'm sure. For me it's obviously quite literal in the physical sense! But I pray that we are all weak because we want Jesus to be the strong one, not ourselves. I pray that I welcome this weakness. I pray I let myself be humbled. I pray I point people only to Jesus, never to me. I pray that whatever I do, I do it for the glory of God.

Because He IS.

Stuff, parents, 'net, and new site...Ceryn returns to the blogging world!

2006-09-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

I have stuff!

I probably shouldn't be so excited but it's nice to have my room look like my room! Almost. (Still lots of photos to put up on the walls!) It's starting to feel more like home here already.

My parents came down late Friday afo and stayed till Saturday which was nice. Got to explore a bit more of Portsmouth with them in tow. Took them to Gunwharf, which was a mistake, coz dad just wanted to go look at the ships and mam wanted to go shopping! But we managed a healthy compromise...we went for a meal! Dad also enjoyed dragging me round the historic dockyard on Saturday afternoon, after a long walk up and down the beach. Normally I'd enjoy it but by this point was ready for bed!

Now my stuff is pretty much all unpacked and my computer is up and running. Although I have to say, I really haven't missed it! I've missed music, and it's been a little bit frustrating knowing I had emails I needed to read but couldn't...but to be honest it was nice to have a break from the internet for a bit!

Right, I'm off to do some work. Oh but before I go, my brother Nathan has a new site. Maybe he'll update this one a bit more frequently...!

Toodle-pip.

Checking in

2006-09-21T12:59:00.000-07:00

I'm here! I'm still alive!

Sorry, no internet access for over a week now. And still waiting for mam and dad to bring my computer (and the rest of my worldly possessions) down to sunny Portsmouth tomorrow...for now I'm borrowing Lucy's laptop. Which does everything except let me check my emails! Isn't technology funny.

Anyway, more to follow when I'm not so tired!

Intermission

2006-09-10T16:37:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back from Relay 1/Forum. Sigh.

I will post on various thoughts about those two weeks when I get chance and can order my thoughts.

Meanwhile, check out Ed and Bish's reflections, much more coherent than me I'm sure.

Oh and also a new addition to my blogging buddies - Dan Hames, who is in my Relay fellowship group.

Trepidation/Excitement butterflies

2006-08-28T20:36:00.000-07:00

So...

Tomorrow is August 29th 2006. What's special about August 29th 2006?

It's been burned into my brain all summer as the day Relay starts.

The...day...Relay...starts!

Argh!

Excited? YES! For about a fortnight now I've been really longing for tomorrow. Really really just wanting to get on with it, to get stuck in, to get going. Excited that it's all really happening. Excited at meeting the other Relays. Excited at sharing with them, enjoying fellowship with them, getting excited with them. Excited at seeing Jess, Nu, Ed and Drew (haha it rhymes!) again.

But on the other hand...

I'm scared! (Just a little, mind you.) I'm scared at meeting new people. I'm scared at moving to Portsmouth and living with people I barely know. I'm scared at getting involved in a new and different CU. I'm scared that I'm not going back to Reading. I'm scared about leading a Bible study on Relay 1. I'm scared I'm not gonna be well enough to get enough out of it. I'm scared at being pushed out of my comfort zone. I'm scared I just won't be able to do Relay. I'm scared someone's gonna go "You? A Relay worker?! Uh-uh, someone made a mistake there!"

But one of the things that's been great about getting into Philippians in preparation for the studies is just seeing God's word speak to me afresh. I love Philippians and I've read it SO many times...but this time round I saw/learnt new stuff I'd never seen before, stuff that I really needed. God IS everything we need.

And it's been great to see a bit more of the guy God used to write the letter. Paul, who just lived and breathed Jesus didn't he. It's been great to see how everything Paul says revolves around Jesus, around the gospel. It's been challenging to think, am I like that. It's been encouraging to know that with God's help I can be.

So as I sit here right now I'm very much bopping between one emotion and the other. To be honest, I'm also scared that God's gonna do stuff. That's a good kind of scared though. I WANT God to do stuff in me, to change me. It's just not always easy. I'm longing so much to be at Quinta, because I'm longing to be in fellowship with the people I'm gonna be working alongside for the next year. I'm ready now. (Well I'm not, but I am, if you get what I mean!) I've enjoyed being at home, but I'm ready to get going. God's been teaching me and preparing me so much already, but I know there's SO much more to come - not just in the next two weeks of course - but I know that this two weeks are going to be fundamental to the year ahead; are going to be priceless for my walk with God; are going to challenge me, humble me, excite me, mould me, change me. That's just a little bit scary, yes.

But above all it's exciting. Because, and only because, we have an exciting God.

Cool

2006-08-28T10:17:00.000-07:00

Look at me

Lost in wonder

2006-08-25T15:53:00.000-07:00

"You chose the cross with every breath

The perfect life, the perfect death

You chose the cross.

A crown of thorns you wore for us

And crowned us with eternal life

You chose the cross.

And though your soul was overwhelmed with pain

Obedient to death You overcame

I'm lost in wonder, I'm lost in love,

I'm lost in praise for evermore.

Because of Jesus' unfailing love

I am forgiven, I am restored.

You loosed the cords of sinfulness

And broke the chains of my disgrace

You chose the cross.

Up from the grave victorious

You rose again so glorious

You chose the cross.

The sorrow that surrounded you was mine

Yet 'Not my will, but Yours be done' You cried."

Martyn Layzell

"Marriage is pointless"

2006-08-25T15:22:00.000-07:00

Apparently, according to the ever-wonderful Red Dragon FM, some 'ladies with clipboards' have been out on the streets of Newport today asking people about marriage.

It appears that most of the people they spoke to said that they only married for; the kids, money, or presents and a party. And the conclusion therefore generally seems to be that marriage is pointless...

Oh dear, not exactly what I wanted to hear as I prepare to go to a wedding tomorrow!

But the thing is, tomorrow I will see Naomi and Oli 'tie the knot' - and I know that they, just like James and Hayley in July and Oli and Rachel just two weeks ago (a different Oli!), do not think marriage is pointless. 22nd July and 12th August were not pointless days, and tomorrow will not be a pointless day. 22nd July and 12th August were not just excuses for a big party or lots of presents, and neither will tomorrow be.

Tomorrow will be a day of celebration. But it will celebrate far more than the world typically celebrates on a wedding day. It will celebrate not just the love Oli and Naomi have for each other, but the love God has for them and the love they have for God. Tomorrow we will all join with them in celebrating their relationship as a gift from God Himself and pray that their life together will be a ministry to others. As Naomi and Oli speak their vows tomorrow they will do so in the knowledge that richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, God will bind their marriage together by His grace and His love. They will speak those vows in the knowledge that their marriage is a gift from God.

Tomorrow we will celebrate Jesus, God's Son, being born as a human, in order to die the death and face the judgement that rightfully belongs to us. We will celebrate the cross not because of a weird fascination with ancient death penalties but because Jesus defeated the cross, he defeated death, he defeated the power that sin and hell had over his people. And in doing so he paved the way for a glorious relationship between us and God, our Creator. A relationship WE had destroyed and shunned and had no way or repairing ourselves. We will celebrate the ultimate relationship - not between Oli and Naomi, the 'relationship of the day', but between God the Father and Jesus the Son and the Holy Spirit, and between us and God.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say...not being married myself I don't know that there is a lot I can say about it! But I DO know that marriage is not pointless. I DO know that it's exciting. I DO know that this excitement for marriage is another thing to be telling non-Christians about, just as telling them that church is exciting.

But then more than that I need to be telling people how exciting GOD is. Everything else flows from that. I don't know that people will really understand how exciting marriage is, or at least the real reasons why it's exciting, until they understand God (as much as our feeble minds can understand Him). Because if you say marriage is pointless, you say in effect it has no meaning, which is quite depressing really.

But in God we find our meaning. And that applies to our whole lives. Which, if you're married, includes your marriage. And that's exciting.

Post 1

2006-08-22T15:26:00.000-07:00

Obviously not my first post, but hey, it's a bit different!

Actually there's a few things I wanna post on right now but they're all a bit of a muddle. Considered putting them all in one post but it wouldn't do to have you all as muddled as me now would it.

Would it?

Ahem. So what to post on first...

Well, I've been thinking a lot since I've been home about church. Still haven't got a lot to say, want to devote more time to thinking/reading/praying. I think the main reason I've started to think about church (especially 'how it works' if I can put it like that) is that I've come home, to a very small church, with very few youth, and a congregation with quite different ideas on how a service should run. There's a longing amongst some of the 'older' congregation, I think/hope, to be inviting younger people into church or, rather, to be making it more relevant, to make sure they're attracted to church and want to come.

[This is where Ceryn starts to think out loud...]

Now, when I spoke to some of the young people (and I still include myself in that description) a couple of weeks back about Christian things they can get involved in outside of church, and of ways they could support each other in their faith, I didn't want them to go away thinking that church was the boring thing you do on a Sunday and I was giving them exciting other Christian things to do during the week. I actually used the phrase "Church is exciting" - you should have seen their faces! Despite their efforts at politeness, there were a few chuckles. Unfortunately, I wasn't surprised.

But that challenged me, and it's a challenge I hope that I will take up, that my church will take up, that other churches - especially in this area - will take up.

Because church IS exciting! So why do young people (and, to be fair, people of all other age, shape, size and fashion too) often find it boring - whether they're from 'churched' homes or not?

I know that knowledge of the perception of church as 'boring' can often lead to the feeling amongst church congregations that we need to make church more relevant (not the gospel, mind you - that will always be 'relevant'). But we go through endless ideas - what if we have powerpoint, or children's/youth services, or fun games, or exciting youth leaders, or we meet in a pub, or...or...or...

Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with any of those ideas. OF COURSE we should move with the times, we should go to where the people are (not expect them to come to us), we should be creative/inventive etc...

BUT - we shouldn't let those things become what church is about, or what we think church is about, or how we think we're gonna get people into church.

My point? Well, in my mind, what's gonna get people into church is the gospel. (Controversial, I know.)

Believe it or not, the gospel is true. We are sinners (I know that's a dirty word), we have rebelled against God, our creator, and tried to ru(i)n the world. And ourselves. And whoops, it just doesn't work. And God, being fair, cannot abide rebellious people in his perfect presence. We're in a bit of a pickle then, but Jesus, God's son, died a painful, terrible death on a cross to save our skins, take the punishment we deserve, and clear the way for us rebels to be where we were always meant to be, the only place we feel whole - with God.

The question I'm asking myself is, am I excited enough about that? Now that I have accepted Jesus as my Saviour and I'm looking to live in the shadow of what He's done for me, do I really show how exciting that is? And do I really believe that the gospel message will save others?

Because surely if I really believed it, if I really lived it out, if I really spoke it out - then people would be following me to church like the children followed the Pied Piper (only with a happier ending). Am I, are we, so caught up in making church relevant with the latest technology, or trying to come up with the coolest idea to attract people into church, that we've forgotten our first love?

Yes, as I said, there's a time and a place for everything else. But.

Gospel excitement is infectious excitement.

Just a thought.

FYI

2006-08-22T15:04:00.000-07:00

God

is

amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazin'!

Running through my head right now...

2006-08-17T17:21:00.000-07:00

1. Just HOW amazing is God's grace?! Seriously.

2. I feel I may be jumping on Bish and Ed's 'Piper is great' train.

3. I cannot get over God's provision for me re: Relay. Not everyone who I thought would support me financially has offered to, and some people who I never dreamed would support me in that way have been very generous. In my mind, it doesn't make sense. But that's what I love about God - His plans, not ours; what He can see/do, not what we deem (im/)possible

4. Just how much I love Philippians - there's so much there! And just how much more I saw when I actually prayed about it (duh).

5. I need to go cook dinner for the (paid) workers in the family; and I s'pose myself and Gethin. Not sure what category he fits into. 'Post-GCSE slacker' possibly. Oh those were the days...

Presents!

2006-08-17T12:23:00.000-07:00

This to listen to.

And when I've finished 'Future Grace', this, this, this, this and this to get my teeth stuck into.

**EDIT** and this!

Hmm, which one first?!

Challenged much

2006-08-17T12:04:00.000-07:00

So here's a confession...the past few days I've been struggling somewhat with, well, impatience, I guess. In regards to my future, in regards to things I want, things I'd like to do...Whilst I've been crying out to God for answers and comfort, a part of me has also been not really ready to listen. Maybe coz I didn't think I'd like the answer or because the horrible sinful part of me still wants to do things my way...and even thinks that's better sometimes. Rubbish.

And so, in God's wonderful timing, Issy said something that REALLY made me sit up and take notice (and we weren't even talking about me!); and then I read chapters 13 and 14 of Future Grace the past two days. "Faith in future grace vs impatience" and "What guards the glory of God's soveriegn Grace".

BOOM!

Talking to Issy about her break-up with Calvin she said something along the lines of "I know God's led me to this point because I'm just getting so much closer to Him now and want to get closer to Him...And I know that if God's led us here then it's all fine because it's God, so, y'know, it's OK."

Because it's God, it's OK. Yeah.

So I hung up the phone a little dazed! Praising God for what He's doing in Issy, once more loving the fact that she challenges me so much and going Ok, God, it's ok. Help me trust that more.

So then I toddled off to read chapter 13. The first line?

"Impatience is a form of unbelief."

That kinda hit me smack between the eyes! Silly thing is, until I read it, I don't think I'd even realised that I was being impatient. But I realised it then! A form of unbelief? Piper goes on, "It's what we begin to feel when we start to doubt the wisdom of God's timing or the goodness of God's guidance."

He's right y'know (funny that). But it was the wake up call I needed from our gracious God who despite my stamping-feet-I-want-this-now-(please) type strop, has pointed out to me the error of my ways and called me back into His arms, where all is safe, where I don't need to worry about the future because God is in control. Where I don't need to drive myself round the bend overthinking matters; where I can be still and know that He will work all things together for my good and His glory. Now THAT is amazing. I mean, I get the 'His glory' part...but 'my good' as well?! Love.

More classic quotes from that chapter are:

"Specifically the glorious might of God that we need to see and trust is the power of God to turn all our detours and obstacles into glorious outcomes...In other words, the strength of patience hangs on our capacity to believe that God is up to something good for us in all our delays and detours. This requires great faith in future grace because the evidence is seldom evident." (pages 173-174)

"The fundamental thought is the universal government of God. All that comes to you is under His controlling hand. The secondary thought is the favour of God to those that love Him. If He governs all, then nothing but good can befall those to whom He would do good...Though we are too weak to help ourselves and too blind to ask for what we need, and can only groan in unformed longings, He is the author in us of these very longings...and He will so govern all things that we shall reap only good from all that befalls us." (Quoting Benjamin Warfield, page 176).

"The power of patience flows through faith in the future, sovereign grace of God." (page 179)

"Faith in future grace is faith in grace that is sovereign, and sovereignty that is gracious." (page 180)

So I mulled that over. And finally began to give God my anxieties, my thoughts, my impatience...and started to ask that He would turn it into patience, that glorifies Him.

I happened across "You led me to the cross" when I was playing the piano. Oh, that God would keep me near the cross. When I'm near the cross, I have no chance of getting impatient, or of wanting to do anything else that dishonours my Saviour.

And then I read chapter 14 - What guards the glory of God's sovereign grace. And here, I'm reminded that I shouldn't be trusting God just because it stops me going crazy or because then I feel safe, but also because I just should. Because He gets the glory then. And I want Him to have all glory.

Again, first line: "All future obedience to God will be by the power of future grace." A-ha. NONE of this is down to me. So I'd better not try to get all wonderful and patient on my own. Patience is a fruit of the Spirit, God's spirit, not mine. And it is by God's grace we are equipped with this fruit.

"...faith fits with grace and channels it to obedience so that we boast not in our resources but in God's grace." (page 186)

"As we ponder how to live the Christian life, the uppermost thought should be: How can I magnify rather than nullify the grace of God?...Faith calls all attention to grace and magnifies it, rather than nullifying it." (page 187)

"As Paul contemplates the next moment or the next month or the next year of his life, what he sees is the living Christ ready and able to work in him what is pleasing in God's sight and to work all things together for his good. So Paul trusts him. And in this way future grace works its good work in Paul's life and ministry." (page 188)

"If you and I are to live by faith in the hourly fellowship and perfomance of Jesus on our behalf, we need to set our minds steadfastly - starting now - to consciously think of him and look to him and trust his promise: 'I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you...I am with you always, even to the end of the age...I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand...[I will work in you] that which is pleasing in [God's] sight' (Hebrews 13:5; matthew 28:20; Isaiah 41:10, Hebrews 13:21)." (page 188)

"Therefore the faith which magnifies grace, instad of nullifying it, is future-oriented confidence in the wisdom and power and trustworthiness of God to do what he has promised. And this faith in future grace is the faith through which we are justified. It stands on the great achievements of past grace in the cross and resurrection but it does not remain in a past-oriented posture. It looks forward to all the inexhaustible future grace that those past achievements obtained and guaranteed." (page 191).

Encouraged? Yeah! Challenged? Much.

Photo update - Oli & Rachel's wedding (2)

2006-08-15T16:54:00.000-07:00

Photo update - Oli & Rachel's wedding (1)

2006-08-15T16:50:00.000-07:00

I'm back!

2006-08-15T16:04:00.000-07:00

I have returned safely from the wilds of the midlands. Phew!

Surprisingly not that many photos...had lots of fun tho and was so nice to chill with Kat and Jess...and Oko the dog! I think this photo will suffice (which I didn't even take!) taken on a very windy Sunday afternoon!

Let the good times roll

2006-08-10T08:30:00.000-07:00

I'm off to have fun!

Going to stay with Kat today, with Jess joining us tomorrow (which is a pure recipe for all things crazy) and coming back on Sunday. With Oli and Rachel's wedding in the middle (Saturday).

No doubt a couple of photos to appear here when I return...

Out.

Lifestyle choice?

2006-08-08T20:53:00.000-07:00

In church on Sunday Roy, our pastor, talked about how Christianity has done damage to the gospel - how people may be intrigued by Jesus but put off by Christians. Whether it's the way they live and they see hypocrisy, a lack of integrity...whatever the reasons, it happens and it's sad. I'd spoken in church about Relay and at the end Roy came up to me and said "This year, make sure you focus on Jesus, and not Christianity. At 61, I'm becoming more and more intrigued by Jesus, and more and more disillusioned with aspects of Christianity."

Good advice - it's always gotta be about Jesus. So why the problem? Why are non-Christians so put off by 'Christianity'? I'm kinda thinking out loud here but maybe one reason is the lack of honesty in the church. The topic of honesty has been batted around on blogs a little recently. It needs to be evident in the church. We need to admit our failings and admit that we are sinful even as Christians (shock horror). So many non-Christians I talk to say "Oh, Christians think they're so perfect." This really gets to me because the point is, isn't it, that we recognise we're not perfect. But we shouldn't be giving off the impression that we are. We need to own up to our sinfulness and not try and create some super impression in front of our non-Christian - or even Christian - friends. Let's not make light of our mistakes or boast about them in any way - sin is sin and it dishonours God - but let's ackowledge that we stuff up. And let's acknowledge why that's ok if we're in Christ.

I guess part of why we don't boils down to the fact that we don't want to admit to other Christians that we get things wrong. Part of that is pride. A big part. And also we perceive every other Christian as being totally sorted with God and never struggling in their faith, never doubting, never doing anything as bad as the stuff we've done (as if there are 'levels' of sin). It's a pressure we put on ourselves usually, and we do the same with non-Christians. Thinking that if they see our sin, they won't wanna know Jesus. But the thing is, they will see us sin. But when they do, we need to tell them the gospel. God is bigger than our sin.

And I guess another reason people dismiss Christianity is that they think "It's just not for me". How many times have you heard that expression? It's because they see Christianity merely as a lifestyle choice. They don't see it as having any meaning, it's just a way you choose to live the same as someone chooses to do x or y. The same as, say, someone who chooses to be vegetarian, or to eat certain foods because they think that's healthier, or to do this or that. They think, as long as you're sincere, as long as it works for you, it doesn't matter.

In the post today arrived two shiny new books for me from IVP (they were reduced and I couldn't help it. Birthday money well spent though methinks). Anyway, one of them is called "But don't all religions lead to God?" by Michael Green. In the first chapter he addresses the issue of sincerity and rightly points out that the "it doesn't matter what you believe as long as you're sincere" argument is total rubbish. Hitler, after all, was sincere.

Being a Christian isn't about sincerity in that sense. It's about truth.
Christianity isn't just some other lifestyle choice. It's this attitude that not only blinds people to the truth of the gospel and turns them off Christianity when other lifestyle choices look so more attractive, but it's also unfortunately the attitude that can mean poeple 'backslide' once they've made a commitment. I know that's the case with my youngest brother. Having made a commitment on camp a few years ago he now has turned his back on Christianity, and God. He fails to see that the fundamental issue at first isn't whether he lives like a Christian but whether he believes that Jesus is the Son of God. His words to me were "I've tried living as a Christian, and it's just not me." Those words smack of "Look, I've tried this lifestyle ok but it's just not for me, I'm gonna try something else". The underlying message behind his words is that he wasn't focusing on Jesus or the truth of the gospel or the strength of God to get him through teenage troubles and life's difficulties, but he was trying to live in the right way, as he thought he should live, as he perceives a Christian should. And that is the attitude that leads to legalism - trying to base your life, your merits, on what you do. And of course, that fails, because you will never live up to the pressure you put on yourself. And we will never live up to the standard we need to without Jesus.

Christianity isn't just some other lifestyle choice. The question I'm asking myself is, do I make it look like that? Do my family and friends think I'm a Christian just because that's what I do; because I have this social group I meet with every Sunday and during the week; because CU is just another club; because I get to organise events and things and it gives me stuff to do and get involved in; because by going to church I'm somehow making myself right with God; because I've found my niche?

Or do they know that I'm a Christian because I've had my eyes opened to the truth of the gospel - that there is nothing I can do that will get me right with God, that Jesus has done it all? Do they know that church/CU/house group/prayer meetings aren't just social activities but time spent with family, learning more about how great God is and praising Him? Do they know that these things excite me not just because I'm spending time with friends but because God excites me? Do they know that whatever I organise or don't; whatever I'm involved in in the church or not, that is not my value; my value comes from knowing I'm a child of God?

Do they know that yes, I've found my niche, in the arms of my loving Heavenly Father; do they know that it's their niche too?

They'll only know that if I live it, and if I tell them. If I demonstrate through actions and words that this isn't just another way to live; it's the way to live. I need to speak more. Because when someone looks at your life, especially nowadays with all the different 'lifestyles' being batted around in the press as good for you in different ways, it's easy for them tothink that being a Christian is just another fad, just another lifestyle, just another social thing.

It's not. Praise God for that, and Oh Lord, give me the strength and courage to live as though I'm living for Jesus, not as though I'm following the rules of a lifestyle; and to tell people the gospel, for Your glory.

Piper-rific and God-tastic

2006-08-08T20:19:00.000-07:00

"We cannot survive as Christians if we do not find strength to endure affliction. God's answer to this necessity on the narrow road is future grace. And future grace is the power of Christ perfected in our weakness. Make sure you don't miss the point here. The grace for endurance - even glad boasting in weakness - is not primarily looking back to bygone grace. It is looking forward to the next moment's and next month's arrival of the power of Christ to do for us what we absolutely despair of doing ourselves.

This is future grace.

Sometimes in the midst of these afflictions and ordinary stresses of daily life we may cry out, 'How long, O Lord? I can't see beyond today's pain. What will tomorrow bring? Will you be there for that affliction too?' This question is utterly urgent, because Jesus said, 'The one who endures to the end, he shall be saved' (Mark 13:13). We tremble at the thought of being among 'those who shrink back to destruction' (Hebrews 10:39). We are not playing games. Suffering is a horrible threat to faith in future grace.

Therefore it is a wonderful thing to hear Peter promise the afflicted and weary Christians, 'After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you' (1 Peter 5:10). The assurance that he will not delay beyond what we can endure and that he will abolish the flaws we bemoan and that he will establish forever what has tottered so long - that assurance comes from 'all grace' - including the infinite, inexhaustible stores of future grace. Faith in that grace is the key to enduring on the narrow and hard way that leads to life."

John Piper - "Future Grace" pages 69-70

"One way to be humble is to cast your anxieties on God. Which means that one hindrance to casting your anxieties on God is pride. Which means that undue worry is a form of pride. Now why is casting our anxieties on the Lord the opposite of pride? Because pride does not like to admit that it has any anxieties. And if pride has to admit it, it still does not like to admit that the remedy might be trusting someone else who is wiser and stronger. In other words, pride is a form of unbelief and does not like to trust in future grace. Faith admits the need for help. Pride won't. Faith banks on God to give help. Pride won't. Faith casts anxieties on God. Pride won't. Therefore the way to battle the unbelief of pride is to admit freely that you have anxieties and to cherish the promise of future grace in the words, 'He cares for you'."

John Piper - "Future Grace", page 96

The timing of me reading those words today is remarkable. Not just that I read them on the day I needed to, but even at the very minute that I needed to.

I love God :-)

Here is love?

2006-08-08T12:10:00.000-07:00

From the talk in church on Sunday:

Hebrews 13:1-10.

Hebrews reads more like a sermon than a letter, with warning after warning throughout it. Chapter 12 -the God who calls us to serve Him is a consuming fire. God's love knows no bounds. A passionate love for humanity. His love refines and purifies those who come to Him in repentance and faith and burns up those who refuse Him. Fire is the same. It's the material of our lives that lends itself either to refinement or insineration.

Live with a willingness to serve God and grow in Christ.

Chapter 13 - exultation which reverberates throughout the New Testament: 'Keep on loving'.

Andrew Murray:
"The command of our text reminds us of how love may wax cold and how it may be sadly wanting in the church."

Judaism got in the way of the gospel of Christ in Jesus' days. But through the centuries, Christianity has gotten in the way. We need to face up to the fact that it's not always other religions whichdivert people away from the gospel.

How often are people intrigued by Jesus but turned off by Christians?

"Alas, how little has Christ's church proved that it has its birth from the God of love..." (Andrew Murray)

LOVE YOUR FELLOW BELIEVERS

SHOW HOSPITALITY TO STRANGERS. There's a caveat there - you may entertain angels. It's strange, but in our society it seems that the more we benefit materially, the less we entertain and the more we shut ourselves off with our possessions. How often is it that it is those with nothing who are the kindest in opening their doors and sharing what little they have with joyful hearts.

SHARE OTHERS' SUFFERINGS. Identify. Empathise.Show a love that cares, shares, is authentic and real.

DON'T LOVE MATERIAL THINGS. Remember, where your heart is, there your treasure will be also.

Hebrews 13 is a very practical chapter. Echoes of 1 Corinthians 13 - if I have not love, I am nothing. Demonstrate it!

God says He will never leave us and never forsake us. Where we place our trust is SO vital. "Too much interest in earthly things inevitably weakens ourhold on God." - Andrew Murray.

Don't worry. Seek first the kingdom of God. What can man do to me? (verse 6).

If you think about it, there are plenty of examples you can find from your own life and the lives of others which should encourage you to live by faith. But those often arent enough to keep us going. So look to Jesus. Look to His consistency. the same yesterday, today and forever (verse 8).

All that He has been, He will be forever. All that He will be forever, He is today. So therefore, all that He is, past, present and future, He is today.

Jesus is both sacrifice and sustenance. He is our provider of resources that call usto live differently and to be Jesus to the world. We have to die with Him. We can't do it in our own strength. We are called to be a people who God can refine.

Bring on the 9-5

2006-08-07T19:59:00.000-07:00

So today I finished work early. Which woulda been cool if it hadn't been coz I felt rough. At first I thought I'd caught the horrible bug thing my bro had over the weekend but I don't think it's that. Think I'm just exhausted through just not being able to sleep for past couple days (nights) and getting bouts of pain again ain't helping. But hey, no more work for me for the next three weeks before Relay 1. It's rest and study time. Woohoo!

I don't really know what this post is meant to be about.

Oh, something I was gonna blog on the other day -

One of the things I've been doing in work (just to clarify, at a Christian organisation) is data entry (yawn). I've done it loads before - mainly involves putting people's names and addresses on the database. But the other day it suddenly got all exciting. Or rather, I got excited coz I was putting in people's jobs. I'd been going for about 3 hours, typing in loads of different jobs, some of which I'd never heard of and then suddenly, wham, got all excited by this thought:
"These are all Christians! Wow! So that means, look at all these people who are out in the workplace (hopefully) living for Jesus and speaking for Jesus" (How UCCF-ified am I?!)

And then I just felt totally compelled to pray for everyone whose name and job I was entering onto the database. Probably shoulda been doing that anyway, then the previous three hours wouldn't have been so dull. But just HOW exciting is it?! And it got me really excited about working. Probably the wrong time to get excited about it when I'm just about to start Relay. And I'm SO looking forward to starting Relay. I wanna start tomorrow. (Except not, coz I've not done everything Roz told me to yet! hehe) But I do, I just wanna get to Portsmouth and get stuck in.

But at the same time I'm SO excited about working next year. And I'm well excited that I get to spend a year on Relay first, learning even more about God and letting Him prepare me for whatever job I'm gonna get, wherever it's gonna be, with whoever it's gonna be with. And being a Christian in the workplace. Woohoo.

Oh, and playing loadsa fun games with kids and stuff...can you say a 's' for me?!

I'm so glad it's Saturday

2006-08-05T03:27:00.000-07:00

It seems the insomniac blogging fever has hit me. Woohoo. I think I'd rather be asleep but after tossing and turning for nigh on 3 hours I decided hey, what better things are there to do in the wee hours than blog?

Today something got me rather riled. In fact, it's an issue that has gotten me riled on previous occasions. The whole love/wrath/justice/etc issue. I'll do my best, at 2.30am, to make this coherent. And as little a rant as possible. (But bear in mind I get cranky when I really want to sleep and can't!)

I was reading through a blog today and came across an old post where this guy, a Christian I think, said he just doesn't believe that Hell exists, he doesn't believe that God would allow people to go to hell, and he doesn't see how anyone who does believe that can just go about their daily lives.

This made me wonder what his alternative to hell is because, well, there has to be a punishment for our sin -there has to be a line drawn somewhere. And reading the comments on his post got me thinking again about how we often like to make God 'fluffy' and talk only about love, not about wrath/anger because God is so lovely that He couldn't possibly be angry. Ever.

Now if I start to talk about the whole God's love vs wrath thing I will start to rant because try as I might to understand why some think that God's wrath and justice are incompatible (I have one or two good friends who take that line of thought), I just can't. To be perfectly honest with you I just don't see why there is a need to separate love and wrath. Someone in work said today, when we discussed this, that it's like trying to separate right and wrong. You can't have one without the other, because if you didn't have 'wrong' then you wouldn't know what 'right' is. Like on my course, we had to do a child study on a normally developing baby, because if we didn't know what was 'normal', how would we ever be able to spot if there was a problem?

Maybe those are silly examples. But the point is that God's wrath does not make Him any less loving. The point is that, for me anyway, His anger at sin makes His love for us all the more amazing. It demonstrates His love more clearly because of how real His anger at sin is.

There's also the issue of God's anger being different to our anger. Our understanding of anger has very negative connotations - God's anger is different. It's Holy anger.

Anyway, I started talking about it and look what happened. For a much more coherent blog on the subject read this.

Moving on.

Someone commented on aforementionned blog something along the lines of the fact that some churches use hell as a way of scaring people into becoming Christians. I really hope that isn't the case!
Anyway, please, someone wiser than me correct me if I'm wrong, but in my mind becoming a Christian is not just about escaping the fire of hell. Becoming a Christian is about bringing glory to God, about recognising your need for, and accepting, forgiveness. About becoming who you were created to be. About being in a relationship with your creator - who just so happens to be the Living God.

Whilst I don't think the whole 'fire and brimstone judgement day is coming you must repent now' line is necessarily the way to go, I do think we should tell people about hell. Hell is real, and it's not pretty. But we also need to tell people why they need to repent. We need to tell them the gospel. And we need to major not on the destructiveness of sin and the doom and gloom but on the fact that Jesus has saved us from all that. Focus, people, it's a matter of focus. Yes, hell exists, it is real and yes we are sinful and yes God is just and yes He punishes sin because He is Holy and cannot be in the presence of anything sinful - but YES GOD HAS SAVED US FROM AN ETERNITY WITHOUT HIM THROUGH JESUS' DEATH ON THE CROSS, WHERE HE TOOK GOD'S ANGER AT OUR SIN UPON HIMSELF AND THEN DEFEATED THE POWERS OF SIN AND DEATH AND HELL BY RISING AGAIN, THEREBY OPENING THE WAY FOR US, IN ACCEPTANCE OF THE SALVATION HE OFFERS US, TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM FOR ETERNITY.

One thing this guy said on his blog I did agree with though. He said, if we believe in hell, how can we just go about our daily lives. He has a point. Whilst I wouldn't march up to someone who's not a Christian and make it my task to inform them of the ugliness of sin and hell - the whole 'fire and brimstone' tactic - I do think my knowledge of sin and hell should have more of an impact on me in the sense that I should be more aware of just what my non-Christian friends are facing. But then, Jesus' achievements on the cross should have that impact on me too. As should my desire for God's glory.

I was speaking to a good friend the other week who is going through a time of real questionning as regards God, her faith and the universe. She said one thing that suddenly hit her wa that, if Jesus did what the Bible says he did, then that wasn't just for her and she shouldn't be keeping it to herself, she needs to be telling people urgently, she needs to be pointing people to Him because it's so important. She's right.

What I find hard when I remind myself of the reality of hell and the truth of the gospel is that I very often have this urge to march up to everyone I know who isn't saved, even complete strangers on the street, and literally shout in their faces that Jesus loves them, proclaim the gospel before they have a chance to ask me why I'm shouting, and stress how utterly important it is that they commit their lives to God right this minute. I don't think that's really a wise idea...but it reminds me of how much I need to get down on my knees in prayer. Because it isnot about me, only God can change people's hearts. And He does. That's the amazing thing. Despite our rejection of Him and our delight in all sinful things which deeply offend Him...He loves us. He loves us so much that He was prepared to divert His anger at us onto His son. His son Jesus loves us and His Father so much that He was prepared to go to the cross and take that anger upon Himself. His love is amazing.

When I was tossing and turning and thinking about this earlier (no wonder I couldn't sleep) I started to think, should I be getting so riled up about this? Should this really be getting me so frustrated or is it a bad thing?

I came to the conclusion that I believe the doctrine of penal substitution is true. I believe it to be true so passionately and so passionately believe it is what the Bible teaches that yes, it is a good thing I take it seriously when people don't think this is what the Bible says. However, I also came to the conclusion that I need to not get hot-headed about this. Some people don't agree with me because they just don't see it. Me getting hot headed isnt' going to help that.

(sigh)...insomniac blurt over. Let's see if I can sleep.

Waiting

2006-08-04T15:22:00.000-07:00

Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.

Photo update - Hayley and James' wedding

2006-08-01T22:09:00.000-07:00

Congratulations Mr and Mrs Earley - 22/7/2006.

Photo update - Graduation

2006-07-30T14:03:00.000-07:00

Gonna fix my eyes on Jesus and just keep a-walking

2006-07-29T17:00:00.000-07:00

I've had serious pangs of what Jess and I have affectionately termed 'the fear' as regards Relay over the past couple days, more so than I ever have up until now! Mainly finances, and all the stuff I need/want to do before Relay starts.

Isn't it great how God reassures you just when you need it? Last night some friends gave me a donation from their church. Not from them, from their church! A church I've been to oh let me think, erm...twice! Once for their daughter's baptisms and once for their oldest daughter's 'commissioning service' before her year working for Careforce in London. I don't know them, but they want to give me money. I can't think about why or my head will explode. Pretty much like what happens when I try to understand grace.

And then later on in the evening as we retired from the garden into the warm house and dad and Jeff played away on piano and guitar, they played this song. I don't know the name of the writer, so my apologies for that. If you know please tell me! Anyway, it goes like this:

"Though I feel afraid of territory unknown,
I know that I can say that I do not stand alone.
For Jesus you have promised you presence in my heart;
I cannot see the ending, but it's here that I must start.

And all I know
is you have called me,
and that I will follow is all I can say.
I will go where you will send me
and your fire lights my way.

What lies across the waves may cause my heart to fear;
will I survive the day,
must I leave what's known and dear?
A ship that's in the harbour is still and safe from harm
But it was not meant to be there,
it was built for wind and storm."

How true is that?! I don't know what the coming year will bring. I don't know what the years after that will bring. But then, I didn't know what uni would bring and look how great that turned out to be.

I could ramble on for ages but the bottom line is that I don't need to know. I need to only remember (and make sure that I always) am following Jesus. I am simply going where He leads me and follow Him always. Because I can trust Him.

And then just now I was flicking through some of dad's songs and came across these words in one of them:

"Walking on the water is impossible to do
unless I look up from the waves and focus in on You.
Lord Jesus you are calling me to come and walk Your way
to leave the safety of my boat and follow You today."

So I need to remember...one day at a time, each day with my eyes fixed on Jesus. It's actually quite exciting. "Good morning, Lord. So what you got planned for me today then? Let's find out together!"

Pondering

2006-07-29T16:36:00.000-07:00

Church, sin, Relay, prayer, work, "evangelism", money/giving, grace...

All these things being pondered by my brain at the moment. Mainly church. Kinda. And for various reasons. Maybe I'll blog summat in a couple days.

But gonna talk to God about it first! ;-)

God of everything

2006-07-27T09:02:00.000-07:00

Heard this song last night. Lovin' it.

"God of the moon and stars,
God of the near and far,
God of the fragile hearts we are
I come to you.

God of our history,
God of the future that will be.
What will you make of me?
I come to you.

God of the meek and mild,
God of the reckless and the wild
I come to you.

God of our life and death,
God of our secrets, unconfessed,
God of our every living breath
I come to you.

God of the rich and poor,
God of the princess and the whore,
God of the ever open door
I come to you.

God of the unborn child,
God of the pure and undefiled,
God of the outcast and reviled
I come to you.

God of the war and peace,
God of the junkie and the priest,
God of the greatest and the least
I come to you.

God of the refugee,
God of the prisoner and the free,
God of my doubt and certainty
I come to you.

God of our joy and grief,
God of the lawyer and the thief,
God of our faith and unbelief
I come to you.

God of the wounds we bear,
God of the deepest dreams we share,
God of our unspoken prayer
I come to you.

God of a world that’s lost,
God of a lonely cross,
God who has come to us
we come to you."

Paul Field

Cheesy but true

2006-07-26T22:56:00.000-07:00

I've just finished the second coat of paint on our bathroom ceiling. Reckon it's gonna need a 3rd but I'm starting to get a bit of pain so I decided to leave it for the night, in gratitude to God for giving me the energy to do this much and in recognition of my new limits. Wow, I'm learning :-)

Anyway, please excuse the cheesiness that is about to follow but I couldn't help but share it.

I'd finished the first coat of paint (white) and stood back to survey my work (and my clothes!). It looked pretty good. And besides, I thought this was only the undercoat so hadn't bothered too much. Then mam told me no, actually she wanted the ceiling white, not some other colour like I thought. OK, thought I, seeing as it's ridiculously hot so the paint's drying quickly and despite the ridiculous heat I feel pretty good, I'll have a bash at another coat.

By this point the sun was getting lower and less light was coming in through the window so on went the bathroom light. And suddenly the results of my first attempt didn't look so grand. And even the second coat, with the light on - it just doesn't look finished.

Kinda got me thinking. Anyone else (who's not a professional!) probably woulda thought it looked ok too if they'd just glanced at it. But with the light on, when you examine that ceiling, it just doesn't cut it. Yet.

And I just don't cut it. Yet. I mean, I can paint over the smudges and the cracks...but just how many coats do I need to cover up my sin? An immeasurable amount!

Sure, I can pass for looking shiny and grand...I can look in the mirror and convince myself I'm ok, I can convince others, especially if they don't look that closely.

But when God shines His light on me all the imperfections show up. Nothing I have can cover up the sin in my heart. It permeates right through every coat I try to cover it up with. I can use some super paint too, like Christian jargon or legalism or doing stuff...but God's light, His Holy Spirit, is so unbelieveably bright that it cuts through them all like an xray.

But that's pretty cool. Coz, when I had the light on I could see all the imperfections. I could see which bits needed a bit more paint and I could see the bits I'd missed...and now that ceiling is on its way to looking good!

And wow how much do I want God to do that in me! I want Him to shine His light on my life, into my heart. I want him to root out the imperfections, and I want Him to paint over them by His Spirit, changing me bit by bit each day until one day, one glorious day, I'm perfect.

Jesus' blood is the super one-coat stuff (if I can put it like that) that covers up my sin. One stroke and it's gone. Hallelujah.

This could all have been expressed a lot more coherently, and for that you have my apologies. But I hope it makes some sense and I hope it conveys what I want it to. Didn't really think about it too much, just wrote. Sometimes that's the best way. Whatever, basically God is good, He has saved me, and He's changing me and perfecting me. Wow.

Like I said, Jack Bauer for President

2006-07-25T19:40:00.000-07:00

Ok maybe not but this is fun for all you 24 fans out there. (And this breaks it up from blogosphere Neighbours talk. As much as I love Neighbours. Although I think with 'Cam' on the scene it looks like some of the cast's days are numbered. Which makes it like 24. Kinda.)
Oh, and if you're not a fan of 24 then you should be. Jack said so.

The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.
Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world of Communism.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the bomb was.
Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's beef.
A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's Jack Bauer.
Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
RIP Edgar If you see this give it a 10. Just cuz it's what Edgar would have wanted.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What have you done with your life?
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population.
Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.
Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're dead."
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.
Never use the phrase, "I feel half dead," around Jack Bauer; he never leaves a job unfinished.
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.
In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
If you have the ability to read, thank a teacher. If you have the freedom to read, thank the veterans of WW2. If you're alive to read, thank Jack Bauer.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".
You know Jack Bauer loves Audrey when he willingly gives up the opportunity to torture her.
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.
If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
Jack needed a well-earned holiday after season 5. Drugged, captured, beaten and tortured in a cargo hold surrounded by Chinese agents eager for revenge is just his preferred method of travel - otherwise he tends to get bored on long trips.
Let's face it, Jack's carrying bag makes Batman's utility belt look like a piece of rope.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.
Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.
Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.
Once Jack Bauer becomes governor of California, Mexico will have an immigration problem.
Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.
It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
The answer is Jack Bauer, the question doesn't matter.
Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.

Jack Bauer for President. And other thoughts.

2006-07-24T22:24:00.000-07:00

I should be in bed and it's taking a lot of strength to muster some thoughts together but now I'm sat at the computer I'd better post something or it'll be at least another week before I do.

So last week I had Thursday and Friday off work because, basically, I just couldn't cope. Guess I'm not as well as I thought I was. Deep down I knew it but I never thought three days work would tire me out that much. And it's made me so tired even my motivation for blogging has been seriously lacking. Wow.

But praise God that I'm working for Christians and they're being supportive and helpful.

On Thursday, after three days of work, I just crashed. Had wanted to help mam and dad with the massive house/garden sort-out/redecorate that they're undertaking but, y'know, listen to your body and all that. So I watched I think the last 7 episodes of 24 Series 5. Yeah.

Friday - managed to potter around the house a bit and then went down to meet up with Tim in Cardiff. Good times. And then Hayley and James' wedding on Saturday. Driving through the thunderstorm was interesting. The look on Ben and Jonny's faces when I showed them my auntie's very nice car that I was driving was priceless. The wedding was beautiful. Kat's auntie and uncle (who we stayed with) were absolutely lovely. Her cousins were very cute. Driving through Kington Langley (where I spent many a summer day with family when little) was nostalgic. Lunch with family in Brecon on Sunday was nice. Playing with Analia in the park was exhausting but fun. And through it all, knowing God was with me (us) and that he loves me (us) and I am saved by grace and that living for Him is just the best way even in the hard times and tired times was keeping me going.

So now I'm back in work till Wednesday - I really can't manage a full week. Which is hard. And it's making me very scared about Relay and all I can think about is how much I'm not gonna be able to do that I want to do. But y'know, God is soveriegn. He loves me. That's enough.

"Yet I am always with you;

you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,

and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?

And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart

and my portion forever."

Psalm 73:23-26

I will lie down and sleep in peace.

Ever felt like this?

2006-07-18T19:19:00.000-07:00

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

"Stained Glass Masquerade" - Casting Crowns

One of the great things about driving into work is getting to listen to quality Christian music. One of the great things about driving into work with my brother Nathan is getting to listen to quality Christian music that I haven't heard before!

I love Casting Crowns because they don't mince their words in the slightest! And that's why I love this song. Too often we feel like this (I know I can't be the only one...can I?!)

It's challenging. It challenges me to be more honest and open, and not put up a front of everything being fine in my walk with God. It's funny the timing of things. Last night I spoke to Kat and she asked how I was...and I wanted to say "Well, actually Kat, I've been struggling with quiet times recently and I feel a lot of the time I'm just paying God lip-service, y'know?" But what I said was "Yeah, I'm good, just very tired after the weekend" (Or words to that effect). Now, she let me get away with it for a while. And then she said "So - how about God time?"

Bam. No escape! But I was glad of it. Glad because I knew she wouldn't judge me, glad because it means she's gonna keep onto me which is what I need, glad because it shows how much she cares.

And then there's the other challenge from that song. "Would the love of Jesus be enough to make you stay?"

The challenge to me is this: Am I showing people enough through my words and actions that I wouldn't judge them? Am I open enough that people are comfortable to come to me when they're struggling? I need to be if I'm gonna be any good at Relay - if I'm to be any use to God in life full stop.

And am I ready to ask people the hard questions, because I care? Am I pointing people back to God's grace? Am I letting myself be pointed back there?

Convicted today that I need to remember people are not perfect; I need to remember that I am just as bad if not a worse sinner than the person standing next to me - Christian or not; I need to not put other Christians on some sort of pedastol; I need to be more honest about my struggles; I need to listen more; I need to judge less; I need to love more; I need to be more full of grace.

Lesson 11: The main thing – I am saved

2006-07-14T19:09:00.000-07:00

Introduction to the lessons
Lesson 1
Lesson 2
Lesson 3
Lesson 4
Lesson 5
Lesson 6
Lesson 7
Lesson 8
Lesson 9
Lesson 10

Nothing beats that. I am a child of God. Whatever happens in this life I need to remember the main thing. And praise God for it. Hallelujah Jesus.

Lesson 10: The ultimate security

2006-07-14T19:05:00.000-07:00

Introduction to the lessons
Lesson 1
Lesson 2
Lesson 3
Lesson 4
Lesson 5
Lesson 6
Lesson 7
Lesson 8
Lesson 9

It's horrible when you feel so utterly shaken. When you realise that nothing in this world – nothing in you – can provide any security whatsoever. When you realise that you placed your security in things without even realising it till they're shaken and they don't hold up.
But it's wonderful when you realise afresh just how secure you are in God. Totally, utterly, 100% secure. Nothing can shake Him. And nothing can separate us from His love.
That's kinda nice.

Conversations with experience

2006-07-13T11:54:00.000-07:00

Dad has some cousins living in a little place just off the M4 between Reading and home so we often pop in to see them on our journeys to/from Reading.
This couple are amazing. They are both in their 60s, have five children and four grandchildren. Healthwise, they've not had a great year of it with both of them being quite seriously ill. But they're still smiling.

This couple epitomise to me the joy of serving the Lord. I don't know much about their life but I know that whenever I'm with them they radiate such a joy in their salvation. I remember many occasions staying with them when I was younger and always looking forward to it not just coz I got to see Pug (Paul, their youngest son) and the others again; not just coz we got to ride our bikes up and down the lanes of Kington Langley or climbed the trees in their back garden or swung from the climbing frame or learnt how to make paper aeroplanes or got to see Tim's iguana...but because they always made us feel so at home and because there was always a joy in their faces which I now know was the joy of salvation.

Sylvia, Dad's cousin, is an amazing woman. As a couple, they are hospitable. But Sylvia will get up at the crack of dawn, or before, to do the housework, make breakfast and/or food to last the day so that when you are up she has time to chat to you. Colin, her husband, is happy in charge of the kettle and keeps the cuppas coming and the conversation flowing.

They have built churches (physically), run holiday camps, pastored churches, evangelised gypsies, done street evangelism, door-to-door evangelism. They have known, and still know, the heartache of seeing their own children turn away from the Lord. They have known, and still know, the joy of seeing their own children become eager to serve Him.

And above all, they know what it is to live with little (by the world's standards). They've lived 'by faith' pretty much their whole lives and with five children this has sometimes taken its toll, I'm sure. But they remain self-sacrificing.

And it was with this background to their lives – as little as I know of it – that I sat and relished the conversation I had with them on my last day at uni about doing Relay. I talked to them about how I'm excited about seeing how God will provide for me – but mainly scared. How I want to trust God more. And they talked about how living in such a way strengthens your faith. About how God is always with you. About desiring the spreading of the gospel and His kingdom. We talked about the exciting opportunities there are to reach out to students. And we just chatted about Jesus.

They never gave examples from their own experience. They didn't need to. They simply needed to say “God will provide”. The weight in those words coming from this couple was immense. What was more immense was the confidence with which they were spoken.

I thank God for them, and I pray that I may be more like them. Humble, hospitable, joyful, talking about Jesus at every given opportunity, longing to serve Him whatever the cost – counting all things as loss compared to knowing Him – and emanating that in my words and character and life. Praise the Lord for the family He has given us and for the way we can learn from each other. Hallelujah.

Lesson 9: Give good advice! But sometimes, you just need to be there

2006-07-13T11:47:00.000-07:00

Introduction to the lessons
Lesson 1
Lesson 2
Lesson 3
Lesson 4
Lesson 5
Lesson 6
Lesson 7
Lesson 8

As much as I've appreciated the advice people have given me over the time I've been ill, I've also greatly appreciated people just being there, or just asking how I am.
It's made me think about how I've been in situations when people were ill and/or struggling. Especially when Helen was ill...was I showing her enough that I cared? Was I always looking for the right thing to say or was I just happy to be there and chat in a normal way?

I know that when people are struggling – with illness or anything, really – I often feel this pressure to say the right thing that's gonna fix all their problems and concerns. I know when I went to see Abi, I felt that having just come through similar effects of illness I should have some wise and wonderful words to give her. But I didn't – nothing that she didn't already know or hadn't already been told hundreds of times. But I did know how she felt – to a large extent – and because of that I could just be there and relax and just let her just be.

Needing to say the right thing is a pressure I no doubt place on myself. But apart from the fact that I'm not wise or clever enough to always come up with the right thing...I now realise that often, it's just not needed. What's needed is to just be there. Be concerned, be empathetic...be natural. Pray that God would give you the words you need and that if something needs to be said, you'll say it. Then just relax and let God do the work...and know that it may not be through you. Know that that person may just need a friend, may just need a laugh, may just need to feel 'normal'.

What are we fighting for?

2006-07-12T13:02:00.000-07:00

"I've got a friend, he's a pure-bred killing machine,

He says he's waited his whole damn life for this,

I knew him well when he was seventeen,

Now he's a man; he'll be dead by Christmas.

So...

Everybody's gone to war,

But we don't know what we're fighting for,

Don't tell me it's a worthy cause,

No cause could be so worthy.

If love is a drug, then I guess we're all sober,

If hope is a song then I guess it's all over,

How to have faith, when faith is a crime?

I don't want to die...

If God's on our side, then God is a joker,

Asleep on the job, his children fall over,

Out through the door and straight to the sky,

I don't want to die...!

For every man who wants to rule the world,

There'll be a man who just wants to be free,

What do we learn but what should not be learnt?

Too late to find a cure for this disease. "

Everybody's gone to war - Nina Pallot

So on our way to the cinema last nite to see Pirates, this song came on the radio. Nathan's response, "Ahh I don't like this song". I'd never listened to words. Now that I have, there's a lot I could say about them! But first thing that struck me was the bit I've put in bold...what seems to unfortunately be many people's response to God - that if he exists at all then He's not in control etc etc. What struck me was that we need to be getting out and telling people more about the hope that we have - hope isn't a song it's a certain hope based on Jesus.

What also struck me was that, with current affairs being as they are, with songs like this on the radio, and with Nathan getting closer by the day to signing up to the British Army, I really need to spend some time investigating and sorting out in my head exactly what the Bible says about war, what my response should be as a Christian, and what I really think about Christians in the army.

Watch this space. (Oh, and if anyone has any helpful hints for where to start, I'd be grateful!)

Lesson 8: Take (good) advice!

2006-07-12T10:36:00.000-07:00

Introduction to the lessons
Lesson 1
Lesson 2
Lesson 3
Lesson 4
Lesson 5
Lesson 6
Lesson 7

I'm concerned that I may have offended some people with lesson 1. I really hope and pray that's not the case. I value – more than I can put into words – everyone who prayed for me, text me, emailed, rang, and visited me while I was ill and I value the fact that they were there with examples from experience. I especially value the fact that they kept my feet firmly on the ground when I was liable to get annoyed, frustrated, or ignore the pain and carry on regardless.
It's hard to take advice sometimes. Especially when you don't want to hear it. But we have to remember the Lord uses our friends to give us a wake up call sometimes. Unfortunately, sometimes people will get it wrong which is why we should always weigh up what others say against the Bible, and even if in doubt the counsel of other wise and trusted Christian friends. But if the only reason we're rejecting what someone says is simply coz we're stubborn or we do'nt like it, then we need to own up to that and ask God to change our hearts.

Lesson 7: All for His glory

2006-07-12T10:33:00.000-07:00

Introduction to the lessons
Lesson 1
Lesson 2
Lesson 3
Lesson 4
Lesson 5
Lesson 6

However frustrating being ill was, however boring, however hard, however painful...I know that God works all things out for my good and His glory. What's mindblowing is that it's not just for His glory but my good too.
But back to His glory, coz that's the most important bit. The bigger picture. I only want God's glory. He has saved me...what more could I want. I want to live totaslly for His glory in all things. Instead of complaining about a situation I don't like or find hard, I want to offer it to Him in prayer and seek His will. All for His glory – nothing less will do.

Mind. Blown. Wow.

2006-07-12T10:27:00.000-07:00

Wrote this last night just before I went to bed...

I just don't get it.

Like, really, 100% just do not get it. I have just completed my education and have a degree and yet that doesn't help me one jot. My brain just wants to shut down because it cannot at all handle what just happened..

So on a day when I'm fighting with my sin and I'm fighting with this cloud of apathy that has been hanging over me and I'm fighting to grasp hold of God and I'm straining towards Him and I'm longing for Him to give me the faith to trust Him completely and I think I'm starting to once again get a handle on grace..I'd lost the little handle I did have over the past couple days...He goes and says “uh-uh Ceryn, you don't know the half of it”.

And he surprises me again. I'm not complaining. I like surprises. (Nice ones.) And this was a nice one.

Maybe I should tell you what I'm talking about. Basically, a couple in church handed mam a card at the church prayer meeting tonight (which I missed, ahem) with a cheque in it for Relay – a very generous cheque. Much like my degree result I had to keep checking it then handing it to mam, taking it back, handing it to dad, taking it back...

I do not understand their generosity, let alone God's grace and provision.

And is it any coincidence that I open this card just as mam is telling me that great uncle Clive is very ill and her and dad have had to go up there tonight and call the doctor? Or is it any coincidence that this has happened on a day when I'm fighting to trust God over my auntie's health, my brothers' futures, my health, my youngest brother's dismissal of God, difficulties in church, Abi's health, mam's health, finances for Relay, my parents finances – after four years of uni can they afford to support me through another year? Should I really be doing Relay, is this really what God wants me to do? Can I do it?

All these things have been swirling round in my head all day and I've been fighting to let God take them. I think they've been floating round in my head for a while, I just haven't let them come to the surface, which means I haven't laid them at Jesus' feet. Today I wanted to do that but was finding it hard.

And then I had to ask mam and dad if I could borrow the money for the deposit on my house, coz really need to pay it but haven't got the money, and really really didn't want to ask them but it really needs to be paid this week...so I ask, and they oblige, but it leaves me feeling awful.

Coincidence that while all this is messing with my brain I get a gift like that? I think not.

When I opened that card, I opened my hands and let everything fall. The God who can provide for me in that way at the start of the year will continue to provide for me throughout the year. The God who will continue to provide for me throughout the year will take care of everything and everyone else I've just listed. Dad's reaction? “I knew I should have said I wouldn't lend you the money.”

He said that coz deep down He knew God would provide. (Turns out in fact that he hadn't transferred the money into my account yet.)

But here's the part I don't get – God provides for me - me, a sinner. Me, someone who has turned her back on God – this amazing God. Me – a person who too readily doubts God's ability, too easily forgets His faithfulness and too slowly trusts Him.

I just do not get it.

But I cry out thankyou Father, hallelujah Jesus, and change me, Holy Spirit. Fill me anew, use me, take my burdens so that I am free to serve you in whatever way you choose. Holy and amazing God, I am yours.

And now I will lie down and sleep in peace. Wow.

Funny that

2006-07-11T14:34:00.000-07:00

OK, so whilst on a break from blogging, two great friends and fellow bloggers have been stealing my thoughts! (That's getting to be a bit of a blogging phrase, Ed!)

Or at least, they've blogged on stuff that kinda made me stop blogging in the first place. I'm not making sense am I. Let me explain properly...

Firstly, Anna's done two posts - "Food, food and more food" and "Ouch" which I could really identify with, challenged and encouraged me. Firstly, the food one - reminded me how much more I need, and indeed want, to get into the Bible. When times are hard or when I'm struggling with doubt I may not feel so much like I want to, but that doesn't negate the need.

In her other post, Anna talks about craving to know more of God. That was something I was experiencing but instead of delighting in the fact that I know the basics - I am saved - and God will reveal more to me as and when I'm ready and as and when He chooses, I got caught up in the fact that there's just so much to learn. There's so much to study. Coupled with my tiredness it all seemed too much and I sunk into apathy, the killer of the soul.

Secondly, Ed posted on honesty. Read it, it's a great post, and well needed. And it's funny that Ed posted on something I was already thinking about - guess you got your own back there mate!

I was going through a bit of a funny time in my relationship with God - I was at war with apathy and I knew that I could say all the right things, and to a large extent meant them, but that didn't mean I was focused on my relationship with Him. I was struggling - mainly due to tiredness and not enough time eating the Word. And certainly due to focusing on myself and my limitations. But nevertheless, I was aware that my blog could become a place where I pretended everything was fine because I desperately want to use this blog to encourage people and for the Lord's glory.
But here's the thing - it is not to God's glory if I am not honest about how I'm feeling. And as Ed said, the most encouraging thing can often be to hear that other Christians are struggling as you are - and what is encouraging is that God brings them through it. So that's why I stopped blogging for a bit. I needed to get my relationship with God back on track. I didn't want to blog about how things were at that time because the other thing I've noticed is that I often can use this blog as my prayer time. I know that sounds ridiculous. It sounds so because it is.

I was struck by how often I will post something - something I genuinely feel about how great God is - but I will post it before even sitting down and thanking Him for it. And then because I've just written a post about what God's taught me or something He's done or stuff I've learnt, I almost feel like I've spent time talking it over with God as well and so then I go about my merry way. I'm shocked and ashamed at myself for doing so. I'm hoping I'm the only one silly enough to do so but thought I'd mention it as a danger! And praise God for revealing it to me and getting me to change my ways.

I didn't want it to be the other way round, where I just blogged my mess of thoughts that wouldn't make any sense until I'd sat down with God and prayed about them.

Praise the Lord that I'm still filled with a passion to know Him more, learn more, speak more, do more. But praise Him for reminding me - through prayer and reading the Bible - that I am not a pharisee and knowledge isn't everything. That I am not God, and therefore I will get tired and I will not know everything. That I am saved by grace, and not by how much I know, or how much I tell people about Jesus, or how much I read the Bible or anything other than grace.

Oh that I may continue to be amazed by grace.

Well, there's honesty for you! I hope it's an encouragement. If anything, it's something I can look back to if I ever get to that point again. I pray I won't. But let's keep rejoicing in our weaknesses, not letting them get us down, or letting our limitations stop us from embracing God. For when we are weak, He is strong. As if the past couple months hadn't taught me anything, I need to recognise more and more just how weak I am and just how much that doesn't matter, because God is strong, and He holds me. So when I'm struggling with something why oh why do I try to solve it by myself?! Or when I feel guilty about that, why oh why do I sink into legalism and trying to earn my way back to God? I don't need to. He has done everything. My salvation is accomplished, and so I need only fall on my knees in thanks and spend my days enjoying the fact that I am forgiven. Hallelujah!

Lesson 6: A different kind of rest

2006-07-11T11:28:00.000-07:00

Introduction to the lessons
Lesson 1
Lesson 2
Lesson 3
Lesson 4
Lesson 5

Whilst I fully, FULLY understand people telling me to rest while I've been ill and whilst it was needed, and whilst I'd do the same...at the same time, it wasn't just physical rest I needed. I'm not sure if I'm going to explain this one very well but I'll try!

You may remember (if not – point number two of this will remind you!) that just before I became ill I'd had a very busy stretch of about 10 days. Now, many people think that's why I got ill. I still dispute that! And I don't think it's coz I'm being stubborn. It's coz I know me.

A friend commented about a year ago something along the lines of me needing to do less because I'd always be stressed. I replied that whilst I may always be very busy, I was very rarely stressed. She replied that no, if I was always busy, then I must always be stressed. At which point another friend interjected that no, they'd noticed that whilst I always seemed busy, I wasn't stressed. There's a difference.

And there is. I know in myself that the only times when being busy makes me stressed is when I'm not giving it over to God. Being busy sometimes makes me tired, but that's different. Being busy all the time has only ever been a problem when I've ignored God telling me to rest (which, despite popular belief, is rarely) or not asked Him for the strength or not given everything over to Him and put Him first. For the most part I thrive on being busy – but that's only when I'm being busy in His strength. Everyone is different, and some people just get exhausted doing half of what I used to do...I'm not saying I'm special, just that everyone is different.

Anyway, back to the point at which I became ill. Whilst I was ridiculously busy, I was no busier than I have been on previous occasions. The difference was that I know my heart wasn't right before God. I was struggling through and letting the burdens of various circumstances weigh me down. And I wasn't putting God first. That's what exhausted me. It's a different type of exhaustion but it can and often does result in physical exhaustion.

If anything was 'the cause' of the infection that brought me to a very abrupt halt then it was that. Though I'm still not sure of the theology behind saying God caused me to be ill so much as saying God was in control of it. That's a whole other post. Maybe.

The point is that whilst I needed to rest physically, there was a deeper rest I needed – and I would have needed this rest whether I'd had that infection or not. My soul needed rest. I needed to come back home, to let my spirit be refreshed by His and lay all my burdens at His feet, letting Him take the load and letting me rest.

That's a deeper kind of rest, it's the rest we often ignore because physical rest is more obvious. But it's the rest we all need. Often. And not just when we're forced by physical tiredness, but (perhaps especially) when we're flying through life and feeling great. Because that won't continue if we don't learn to let go and let our souls don't find rest in Him.

Lesson 5: Not because of what I've done

2006-07-11T11:23:00.000-07:00

Introduction to the lessons
Lesson 1
Lesson 2
Lesson 3
Lesson 4

One thing I found especially hard about being ill was not being able to support cell in the ways I had been. Not just actually running the cell group, but meeting up with people outside of cell, inviting people round to dinner, just chilling with them and being there for them and building a sense of community. I couldn't do any of that and when cell just folded I felt guilty. I felt guilty that I hadn't supported Isaac as he took over, I felt it was my fault that people stopped going to cell coz I wasn't there for them, wasn't encouraging them.

But as much as it was important that I supported the cell members and got the cell going and gave my all to it...it didn't happen because of me. God is totally in control and He knows the needs of individuals in cell way more than me. He is concerned for their good and His glory and nothing I do or don't do is going to affect that. And He knew that I'd be ill and unable to do the things I had been doing.

Praise the Lord that people don't come into His kingdom on the basis of me. Praise the Lord that whilst He uses us – hallelujah – it's not about us. And whilst I should be eager to care for people and tell them about Jesus, sometimes I just won't be physically able to. And that's ok.

ahhhhhh

2006-07-09T23:12:00.000-07:00

I felt up to doing some unpacking again earlier, so I did; accompanied by Tim Hughes blasting out the speakers in my room.

I needed the words of the songs and I sang them with all my heart, so that at first the unpacking stopped and then when it started again, it was going a lot quicker, I had a whole new burst of energy!

God is so good. That's all I wanted to say in this post really. Somehow I've said a lot more. Empty words. All that matters, is that

God
is
Good.

(Always.)

Give me the song and I'll sing it like I mean it

2006-07-09T18:11:00.000-07:00

“Christians don't lie, they just sing hymns”.

My minister quoted this last Sunday – I forget who said it I'm afraid. But it struck me.

How often do we just sing the words to the songs in church, and how often do we really sing them like we mean them. There's a danger I've certainly noticed in my own life – especially with songs I know well – to just sing them without really thinking about the words. Or to sing them without really meaning them. That's awful.

Some songs, if you really think about the words, are really hard to sing because if you mean the words, then they demand a change in you. But we need to sing them like we mean them. No, scrap that, not like we do, but really meaning them.

Lesson 4: Not because of who I am

2006-07-09T18:04:00.000-07:00

Introduction to the lessons
Lesson 1
Lesson 2
Lesson 3

The astonishing thing I found about being ill was how much it affected every single aspect of me. It wasn't just that I was physically ill. I found myself even analysing who I was. I thought I'd established that! But as fragile as I felt physically, I felt that fragile in every aspect – my personality, my emotions, my self-confidence...everything.

I love being around people, I love chatting, and I've never found it a problem to get up in front of a big group of people and talk, or chat in smaller groups. But during the time I was ill – and even still now to a certain extent – I couldn't just chat to people.

I saw Kat pretty much every day I was ill so things with her were fine, and Issy and Becky. If people came to visit me it was a little easier because I felt secure in my room. But take me out of that environment and even with really good friends, who I missed and desperately wanted to talk to, I felt like I wanted to cry and/or run away! I couldn't even talk to people without really praying before, and during, the conversation. I can't explain why I found it so hard, but it was bizarre.

But it reminded me – perhaps showed me fully for the first time – that nothing in this life is about me. It's all entirely about God. My security is in Him alone, not in any way shape or form in anything else.

I don't think I'd ever realised that so fully before. When you realise that you can rely on nothing at all about yourself, you fully realise your need to rely on God totally. Even things that I hadn't realised before that I might place my confidence in – I didn't realise I placed my confidence there – even just a little bit – until I couldn't. Until it let me down.

God will never let me down!

Lesson 3: Not by might

2006-07-09T17:57:00.000-07:00

Introduction to the lessons
Lesson 1
Lesson 2

I can do nothing in my strength. Even when I'm fully fit, I need to remember how I have been the past 4/5 months. And I need to remember that the only way to do anything – anything at all – is in God's power and strength and by His Spirit.

Lest we forget

2006-07-08T19:45:00.000-07:00

7/7/2005.
I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing that day, as clearly as I remember watching the events of 9/11 unfold on a TV screen in front of my eyes, or waking up to the news that Princess Diana had died...and other, more personal, events in between.
Of course, this week has seen the anniversary of the London bombs. I watched the BBC coverage in the morning and an interview with a London Ambulance Service paramedic. He said, “We saw the best and the worst of humanity on that day”.
His words reminded me of another day, the events of which are recorded in the Bible, where we saw the worst of humanity. The day when Jesus was beaten, mocked, disowned and crucified (Mark 15, for example).
But the worst bit wasn't necessarily the way Jesus was treated physically – but that this was a manifestation of the people's rejection of God. And the worst bit of 7/7, or 9/11, or the holocaust, or murder is not necessarily that we destroy each other – but that we do this because we have rejected God. Humanity at its worst gets to that point because of its rejection of its Creator, its rejection of Truth, its rejection of Love, and its rejection of the best it can be. Our worst is sin.
When we say we see the 'best' of humanity, what do we mean? That we see people being willing to care for each other, sacrificing themselves in another's place, putting themselves in danger to save another?
Isn't that what we see in Jesus? And isn't that the ultimate? The best in our humanity is a shadow. The reality is God. We can to some extent display the best that He has placed in us. But we need to recognise that it is not of ourselves. We love because He first loved us.And we need to be displaying God's best. We need to be walking in line with His Word and demonstrating His love to those around us.
Let's not forget the events of history. And let's certainly not forget what Jesus did on the cross, and everything that it means, everything that it achieved. And let's not forget that our best can only come from Him.

Lesson 2: Don't be a people-pleaser

2006-07-08T19:43:00.000-07:00

Introduction to the lessons
Lesson 1

In Lesson 1 I talked about finding it hard to know who to listen to, finding it hard to distinguish God's voice in amongst all the advice people were giving me. I think the main reason for this was me trying to be a bit of a people pleaser. I desperately wanted to take advice on board, because I valued so highly the care which people were taking over me. And I wanted to get better. And I wanted people to know that I was taking their advice and looking after myself. I always felt like people didn't trust me when I said I was resting or that people didn't really believe me when I said I knew my limits. So I was desperate to prove that, in fact, I was trying to look after myself.
An example might illustrate this better. One day I was out and needed to go home before going somewhere else later in the afternoon. I knew I needed a nap, but it was lunchtime. Now, I didn't have time to go home, eat lunch and sleep before being where I needed to be. I also knew that I was shattered but that preparing lunch would wake me up. But I let slip to a friend that I was gonna go home and sleep. “I hope you're going to eat” came the well-meant reply. Another friend, who hadn't heard this conversation, told me to go home and sleep. By the time I got home I knew within myself that I wasn't hungry and all I needed was sleep, a meal later would suffice (being ill had seriously damaged my appetite). But I knew that if I saw those people again later they were going to ask me if I'd slept and eaten. So I tried to do both. But eating when you're not hungry is not a good thing, it just makes you feel worse. And making food woke me up sufficiently that when I tried to sleep I couldn't. I ended up trying to force myself to sleep, getting about 10 minutes before I had to leave again, which made me feel worse.
It's a silly example. It certainly demonstrates my silliness! The advice given to me in both cases was good but I was trying to follow it all for the wrong reasons. Instead of listening to my body I was trying desperately hard to please those around me. Of course, that can work the other way when we push ourselves beyond our limits trying to please everyone by trying to fit everything in.
Bottom line – in all areas of life, we need to be seeking to please God first, not others. And whilst God knows us better than we know ourselves, we know our own limits better than others. We may need to be reminded of them by others at times – to a certain extent that's where accountability comes in. God's given us limits. Let's stick to them.

Lesson 1: Distinguishing God's Voice

2006-07-08T19:40:00.000-07:00

See: Introduction to the lessons

One thing I've learnt over the time I've been ill is that people love to give advice! I know I'm the same. The advice I've had from people – mainly Christians – over the time I've been ill has mostly been fantastic and this post is not meant to be a dig in any way shape or form so please don't be offended! But here's the thing: the advice has sometimes varied. My wonderful, and well meaning, Christian friends have been ready with words of wisdom. But this has ranged from the (dubious) “God is smiting you” to “God's telling you to rest” to “God's in control, just trust that” and shades in between. More specifically, I've been told to eat properly, sleep lots, do nothing when I'm not sleeping, use the time for God's glory.

As I've said, this has all come from well meaning friends who just want to help, a desire to help that I know is borne out of a concern for me. I am humbled by that and extremely thankful to God for it. But. (Knew that was coming didn't you...?!)

But I found it hard in all this to distinguish what God was actually trying to say to me because sometimes the advice was different...and sometimes it contradicted what I felt to be the case. And so I guess the main lesson here is that whilst advice must be valued and good advice must be taken, I need to be listening first and foremost to God.

Commercial Break

2006-07-02T16:41:00.000-07:00

No adverts for you, but I am back in Commercial Street and it is likely to be a while before I blog again. Not that long, maybe a week or two. Partly due to, well, sheer laziness. Partly due to limited internet access (which I've decided is a Good Thing - for the moment at least). But mainly because I have lots I want to blog about, but I'm still mulling it over - 'composing the prose' (to steal Ed's words) - as it were. So for the next week or two I'll be doing just that. And no doubt finding more stuff to blog about. I'm looking forward to it.

PS. Like my funky new blog? Bish's mastery strikes again...

Lessons: An introduction

2006-06-26T09:08:00.000-07:00

It struck me yesterday just HOW MUCH God, by His wonderful grace, has taught me over the time I've been ill. I reckon I'm functioning at around 90% now - hallelujah! The best bit of that is that I'm starting to be able to think a lot more clearly. Annie and I were chatting yesterday about how being ill physically just affects everything. It's weird, but it's so true. Anyway, I digress.

As I said, the best bit is that I'm getting better at processing thoughts and this 'fuzziness' I felt I had hanging over me has pretty much gone. So, I'm planning to spend time with God sifting through all the things He's taught me - some reminders, some new lessons where He's just gone 'boom' - and writing them down. Mainly for future reference! I guess to some extent I've already incorporated them into my blogs but I thought that I'd blog them one by one over time and hopefully they'll be a bit more coherent, and an encouragement. They'll appear as and when.

RUCU Ball 2006 (4)

2006-06-23T16:35:00.000-07:00

RUCU Ball 2006 (3)

2006-06-23T14:20:00.000-07:00

RUCU Ball 2006 (2)

2006-06-23T14:16:00.000-07:00

RUCU Ball 2006 (1)

2006-06-23T13:02:00.000-07:00

Couldn't put it better

2006-06-22T23:15:00.000-07:00

Two things to share that have really challenged me today, and helped me, and reminded me of how Great God is.

1. Read me.

2. This, by JI Packer:

Western Christianity is "this-worldly in a way that can only be described as a radical distortion. For today, by and large, Christians no longer live for heaven and therefore no longer understand, let alone practice, detachment from the world. Nowadays, nonconformity to the world is limited to the means the world adopts to achieve its goals, and rarely touches the goals themselves. Does the world around us seek pleasure, profit and privilege? So do we. We have no readiness or strength to renounce these objectives, for we have recast Christianity into a mould that stresses happiness above holiness, blessings here above blessings hereafter, health and wealth as God's best gifts, and death, especially early death, not as thankworthy deliverance from the miseries of a sinful world, but as the supreme disaster...Is our Christianity out of shape? Yes, it is, and the basic reason is that we have lost the New Testament's two-world persepctive that views the next life as more important than this one and understands life here as essentially preparation and training for life hereafter."

Finding God in the stars

2006-06-21T14:13:00.000-07:00

"Many have found that the awesome sight of the starstudded heavens evoke a sense of wonder, an awareness of transcendence, that is charged with spiritual significance. Yet the distant shimmering of stars does not itself create this sense of longing; it merely exposes what is already there. They are catalysts for our spiritual insights, revealing our emptiness and compelling us to ask whether and how this void might be filled.

Might our true origins and destiny somehow lie beyond those stars? Might there not be a homeland, from which we are presently exiled and to which we secretly long to return? Might not our accumulation of discontentment and disillusionment with our present existence be a pointer to another land where our true destiny lies and which is able to make its presence felt now in this haunting way?

Suppose that this is not where we are meant to be but that a better land is at hand? We don't belong here. We have somehow lost our way. Would not this make our present existence both strange and splendid? Strange, because it is not where our true destiny lies; splendid, because it points ahead to where that real hope might be found. The beauty of the night skies or a glorious sunset are important pointers to the origins and the ultimate fulfillment of our heart's deepest desires. But if we mistake the signpost for what is signposted, we will attach our hopes and longings to lesser goals, which cannot finally quench our thirst for meaning."

Alistair McGrath - "Glimpsing the face of God"

(Quoted in "The Case for a Creator" - Lee Strobel)

"The heavens declare the glory of God;

the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

Day after day they pour forth speech;

night after night they display knowledge.

There is no speech or language

where their voice is not heard.

Their voice goes out into all the earth,

their words to the ends of the world.

In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun

which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion

like a champion rejoicing to run his course."

Psalm 19:1-5

The view from the other side of the fence

2006-06-21T14:00:00.000-07:00

It was so SO great to see Abi again. But also hard, and weird, to see her so unlike herself. To see how this illness, whatever it is, is affecting her, weakening her. To see how it's affecting her family.

And when she had to lie down and have a nap one afternoon, when all we'd done since getting up late was watch a video, it struck me how just a month and a bit ago, that would have been me.

It's amazing how far I've come physically in the past four months. Read some of my entries in March and April and you'll see how little I could do! Praise the Lord.

But praise Him also for how far I've come spiritually. Constant reminders that in Him is my peace, in Him is my rest, in Him is my life...constant reminders that nothing is about me! It's weird how being ill physically can affect your whole self - emotions, concentration, confidence...everything. It really shook me. But it's reminded me that God can never be shaken. It's reminded me that He never changes, and so as long as I find my security in Him, all is good.

Seeing Abi like this has shown me what my friends and family must have seen, to some extent, in me over the past few months. It was kinda surreal. Having been through this whole experience I felt like I should have some sound words of advice to offer her. But it was nice to at lesat understand how she feels. And I just pray that God works in her heart over this time as He has done in mine - all for His glory.

Cherished

2006-06-21T13:36:00.000-07:00

"We are, by astronomical standards, a pampered, cossetted, cherished group of creatures; our Darwinian claim to have done it all ourselves is as ridiculous and as charming as a baby's brave efforts to stand on its own feet and refuse his mother's hand. If the universe had not been made with the most exacting precision we could never have come into existence. It is my view that these circumstances indicate the universe was created for man to live in."

John A O'Keefe, quoted by Lee Stobel in "The Case for a Creator"

Landed

2006-06-20T23:06:00.000-07:00

So I'm back in Reading.

More thoughts to follow...I've done a lot of reading and thinking this past couple days. I'll try and remember my thoughts and, if I think they'll be helpful, post them.

But for now, bed.

Zzzzzzzzz.

Off adventuring

2006-06-17T10:53:00.000-07:00

Well, kinda.

I'm goin' up north to see my good friend Abi. Prayer would be appreciated as I'm still not 100% so dunno how I'm gonna manage a trek to London and then a five hour bus journey - and the return on Tuesday. But more than that please pray for Abi, who's had to come home from her time in Bolivia with Tearfund due to illness. Please pray the doctors find the cause quickly and treat it successfully.

Blogging will resume probably on Wednesday!

The morning after the day before and it's all still real - Ceryn Oakes BSc (Hons)

2006-06-17T09:48:00.000-07:00

Weird.

So yesterday I got my results. Praise God I was not as nervous as I thought I'd be. I really had to wrestle in prayer over it because whilst I knew that ultimately it didn't matter and was in God's hands anyway, I was really scared!

Walking onto campus I felt less nervous than I did when I went to get Abi and Ros' results last year! And I was praying so much that I wouldn't be disappointed if I got less than I wanted...but also that I wouldn't start secretly hoping God would surprise me with a good result! I prayed and prayed that when I saw the board I'd just be content. And then as I walked past HumSS it really hit me smack between the eyes that at the end of the day this is all meaningless. Yes, my degree is important, yes I have needed to work hard...but it will not last. And it hit me that whaetver my results...they wouldn't last either. And it hit me that everything else I've got out of uni - specifically, the way my relationship with God has developed so much over the past four years - that's the really important bit. Because He is my Rock, and He is forever.

And then I got that 'I feel silly but thankyou Lord SO much' feeling I always get when I finally grasp something I shoulda grasped ages ago. Felt doubly silly, coz that's all the stuff I told my housemates this time last year when they were waiting for their results. How quickly we forget.

So...finally results were posted. And I got a 2:1. I really really couldn't believe it. I checked the board about 6 times...in between giving the others hugs!...then rang mam but as soon as it started to ring I hung up coz I had to go check again!

I cannot put into words how I felt at that moment. Completely undeserving. Completely blessed without really knowing why. Completely elated! But at the same time quite calm. Which felt weird. But then I did pray that I'd just be content when I saw the board!

Our department laid on strawberries and champagne for us. My personal tutor came up for a chat and told me how amazing my result was, bearing the last 4 months in mind. And I think I just looked at her for a bit in a daze. In the end I managed to spurt out "Well, I've just prayed a lot". She looked at me as if I had two heads. But I pray that sticks in her mind!

The rest of the day passed somewhat as a dream. In fact, I did have to come home and have a nap before going out in the evening so some of it was a dream!

And walking through town chatting to Rosie last night, God's goodness hit me again. It hit us both how thankful we are to God for this...and how rubbishly slow we were to thank Him. And I realised that I'd been walking onto campus preparing myself for the worst. And that's why I'd been praying that I'd remember it didn't matter. But then, when I got so much better than I thought I would...the elation of that seemed to take over.

The fact is, it still doesn't matter all that much. I'm very happy, but the glory all totally goes to God. There is no way I could have acheived that result on my own - especially after the last four months of being ill. There's just no way. But He has given me strength and discipline and energy to do work when I've needed to. He's aided my concentration and even though it's been such a slow, frustrating process, He's brought, and is still bringing me, through. And it's clearly the right result for His plan for me. None of this is in my hands. And that makes me feel very good!

I'm sorry for such a mixed up jumble of thoughts. At the end of the day, all I really wanna say, with tears in my eyes, is my friends; God is good. Praise Him. Praise Him for salvation - that's the main thing!

New bloggers!

2006-06-16T11:09:00.000-07:00

Very glad to welcome Bethan...and I don't think I officially welcomed Ruth! So welcome!

Much Ado About Nothing

2006-06-16T08:12:00.000-07:00

The title of the play I went to see performed by RUDS last night (which was excellent, by the way!) I must say I felt all sophisticated...and slightly 'English'...watching Shakespeare performed in the open air on a summer's evening with a picnic. Although I didn't have any tea or a parasol or anything so I'm still safe and not fully corrupted. Need a walk in the Welsh mountains, a stroll through a valley and a game of rugby to watch pronto. I've been here too long.

But at the same time, not long enough. Today has the potential to feel like a life-changing day and the potential to feel like the end - more so than my last exam. That felt like the beginning of the end, as it were.

Forgive me if I'm not making much sense.

Today I get my results. And so today has the potential to wind me up into a nervous ball of Welsh energy... or the potential to force me to rely on God more and more. I know which one I'd rather, but I know which one I'm more likely to do.

Jen told me t'other day of Pete Lowman's prayer at this time of year - that whatever students need to get to be where God wants them to be in 10 years time - that they would get, whether they like it right now or not! (Or words to that effect!) And that's right. But it's hard.

And yesterday Kat reminded me of it... and that I'm going to heaven no matter what.

And that's right. So why do I battle with my nerves today?

Well, because I'm rubbish and sinful; because these results and how they define me and how I feel my family and friends will define me on the basis of them is becoming my security isn't it. And when something other than God, my Rock, becomes what I place my security in I start to go all shaky and scared. Unfortunately, I know from experience.

But this time I'll use experience in my favour and I'll turn to my Rock.

Psalm 33 says "By the word of the LORD were the heavens made, their starry host by the breath of his mouth....For he spoke and it came to be; he commanded, and it stood firm...But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations." (Verses 6, 9, 11)

THIS is the God in whom I put my trust! The God who simply spoke, and the world was created. The God whose Word and plans stand firm forever. The God whose purposes continue through all generations. The God who is stopped by nothing and nobody. THE God.

God loves me. He loves me with a love I don't deserve, and I cannot comprehend. And He loves me with a love I cannot earn - through my results or otherwise.

And ultimately, it's His love I want, and it's His plans I want to be walking in because I know they are Good for me (Jeremiah 29:11)...and will glorify His Name. And I know that my plans, contrary to His, will most certainly not stand forever.

And so, I want to be praying all morning that I'd have this thought in my mind when I collect my results, because I know how easily I forget. And not only this morning, but for the rest of my days. I want my life to glorify God always, I want to be walking in His plans for me always, I want to be knowing my security in Him always...

Making much of Him, and not much ado about nothing...